Our Last Gig: Phoenix/Pomona

Is there anything more melancholy than driving through the desert in the rain?

Oh sure, when we packed up the gear and jumped in the luxurious CH3 landyacht, it’s all shits and giggles; Giddy to be on our way to the first road work of the year, we chatter away like tweakers on a first date.
It’s been a while since we’ve reconvened, and it’s a time to catch up as the gray warehouses of Diamond Bar, then Pomona float by….we display the latest scars, show off photos of the new grandchildren.

But soon the scenery changes from bleak suburbia to bleak desert, the windshield wipers ticking off a dreadful dirge as we speed through the wasteland.
Conversation slows, then stops altogether, and we each stare out the windows as the world passes by, thinking of home and wasted opportunities.

When we close our eyes to ward off the tears, it’s Eddie Vedder’s soundtrack to Into the Wild we hear……..

Shhh...this one needs his rest!

Heh—first piss stop just outside of Indio, and the sun is shining!! A new day, people—and a quick check to the ol Facebook confirms that it is raining in sheets back home….suckers!

Sprinkles in the desert...

Lunch is a quick stop at the Beer Hunter in La Quinta, yer ususual 19th hole tavern favored by the ladies who lunch and the unemployed who drink….

Oh, Beer Hunter...I guess I won't be needing the red scarf wrapped around me head then?

Made Phoenix by nightfall and need to stock up….

Kimm giddy as a schoolgirl in Arizona's walk-in beer vaults!

Overnight accomodations at a sterile business suite joint, but ya know it doesn’t take much to make it a home for us…..

Well, well-here's a couple of familiar pals!!

Pricelined for 29 bucks a night, and the bedbugs are free for the taking!

Showtime at Hollywood Alley in Mesa with our pals in the Freeze —-a great damn show! Had more photos, but they were eventually confiscated by INS. We told them Anthony and Alf were legal, but we’ll let the courts decide!!

Hollywood Alley, Mesa AZ

Sadly, not knowing our way around this burg after a couple decades absent, we had to settle for *sigh* Del Taco for our late night feed/debriefing session.
Late night crap fest

But Saturday saw us bright eyed and ready to take on the world–or at least some fine Bloody Marys at Suckerpunch Sally’s diner in Tempe.

Good Morning

Pictured: Steak and Eggs, side of biscuits and gravy, chorizo omelette. Not pictured: our black, gluttonous souls!

Met up with Johnny and Tyler, and small world that it is, discovered we had many friends in common. Six degrees of T-Bone, as they say…!

Our gracious hosts

Suckerpunch’s is a new roadhouse in the Tempe area, but these guys already have a good thing going. They showed us the Moonshine that is soon to be on the market…

Shine

…and proceeded to pour generous samples!

Oh don't get all prissy on us....it's mixed with energy drink for the drive!

We reluctantly said goodbye to our Az pals and hit the ol Interstate 10 back toward Pomona.
Before hittin the Cali border, had to make a quick stop at Quartzsite….spied a bookstore right off the freeway on the way in, and you know we’re always on the lookout for first edition Jim Harrison, wot?

The bookstore

There I am- on bended knee- head tilted to scan the spines of a dozen Black Sparrow paperbacks, when I glance up and come nose to thong with the rascally bookstore owner…and nudist!

Gaaa.....my friggin eyes!!

After the initial shock of dealing with a naked senior citizen (not to mention some pesky childhood memories that suddenly came rushing back!), we purchased a few mags as well as a nice Bukowski cd…..keep the change bub, and remember the sunblock eh?

Next stop: the Grubstake Social Club just a spell up the road yonder, turn left at the brown dog.

Grubstake Social Club, Quartzsite

Saturday evening entertainment at the 'Stake

Regretted not having much of an appetite after scanning the tempting menu!

mmm...and for dessert we'll be having the 'ol prolapsed rectum!
Fried Pollock, Fried Landscape

Back in the car, gotta make up for lost time! Pomona’s calling– seems as though people have been following Alf’s increasingly bizarre tweets, and there is serious doubt if we will actually make the gig…..
The skies darken, and we reluctantly head into the rain again. Lightning flashes in the distance, illuminating the barren landscape we’d skated a mere 20 hours earlier.

And once again, the chatter ceases, the car begins to go silent. A man’s thoughts turn inward, for there is no lonelier place on a Saturday night than the darkened cocoon of an American SUV, hurtling through the blackness…..

Luckily, I remembered the Bukowski cd in my pocket, slipped it in the dash and turned it up to 20:

BEER
from: Love is A Mad Dog From Hell

I don’t know how many bottles of beer
I have consumed while waiting for things
to get better
I dont know how much wine and whisky
and beer
mostly beer
I have consumed after
splits with women-
waiting for the phone to ring
waiting for the sound of footsteps,
and the phone to ring
waiting for the sounds of footsteps,
and the phone never rings
until much later
and the footsteps never arrive
until much later
when my stomach is coming up
out of my mouth
they arrive as fresh as spring flowers:
“what the hell have you done to yourself?
it will be 3 days before you can fuck me!”

the female is durable
she lives seven and one half years longer
than the male, and she drinks very little beer
because she knows its bad for the figure.

while we are going mad
they are out
dancing and laughing
with horney cowboys.

well, there’s beer
sacks and sacks of empty beer bottles
and when you pick one up
the bottle fall through the wet bottom
of the paper sack
rolling
clanking
spilling gray wet ash
and stale beer,
or the sacks fall over at 4 a.m.
in the morning
making the only sound in your life.

beer
rivers and seas of beer
the radio singing love songs
as the phone remains silent
and the walls stand
straight up and down
and beer is all there is

And wouldn’t ya know it, soon we were right there with Buk, he cursing the audience and drinking with joy, describing the filthy things he had planned for his unsuspecting girlfriend.
The lights of the Inland came into view, and the night sky brightened– with both the glow of electrified civilization, and the promise of yet another gig to go!

Oh Chinaski, you dirty old fucker....we love ya!

Saturday Feb 6, Joey’s BBQ Pomona:

Our Last Gig: Las Vegas

Texas-Station-Hotel-Sign
No, we didn't make it on the marquee. We did, however, urinate beneath it's sublime neon glow---so we got that goin for us!

Rolled into Vegas around sundown, or I should say rolled past Vegas! Texas Station is located way North of town, right between the What the Hell? and Where the Fuck Are We? highways….

vegas 001
Kimm checks in. What a world, when yer 3rd billed under Bingo!

Loaded into the South Padre lounge and then immediately headed to the all you can eat buffet:

texas station-feast buffet 002
The Feast Around the World. Tomorrow: the Loose Bowel Movements Around Interstate 15

Tell me: What makes us eat like ravenous kennel dogs when we are unleashed upon an open buffet?
I mean, at home you probably wouldn’t consider a weekday dinner consisiting of menudo, baklava, pasta puttanesca, sushi and crawfish etoufee—would you?

Oh sure, you try to start off sensibly. You have a simple entree, maybe a few crunchy appetizers…

vegas 011
Spaghetti. Meatballs. Fried Shrimp. Crab Cake.

…but, what’s that? TBone found some Cajun food over in the corner next to the frosty machines!

vegas 008
Gumbo. Jambalaya. Dirty Rice.

And, huh? Seafood?!–oh, right, it’s Friday! The chilled seafood bar is in full swing, and though I would usually question the wisdom of eating raw oysters that have been sitting in the bacteria biodome that is a las vegas casino, it seems naturally fine tonight! Did I mention we’ve been drinking?

vegas 007
Crab Legs, Oysters, Shrimp.

Things begin to blur at this point. Not even hungry, we eye the plates of the people who have just returned from the buffet, only to bolt out of our chairs and head back to the food! Wait’ll the fellas get a load of this plate!!

vegas 006
Pizza. BBQ Ribs. Chicken.

Things have gotten silly now. Nationalities and flavors, entrees and desserts—they have all begun to melt together in our contest of culinary one-upmanship!….

vegas 005
Collard Greens, Chow Mein. Bean Salad.

Thankfully, we slow down, and eventually stop eating altogether. We come together in silence as we behold the mesmerizing sight of Tbone tackling an endless supply of crab legs!

vegas 013
TBone tries the utensils provided to extract the crabby goodness.....
vegas 010
...only to abandon the tools and use the mouthful of weapons the good Lord blessed him with....
vegas 009
...urp? Bird gets a little ahead of himself and swallows a oyster shell sideways.

Then we played the show.
*
*
*
*
Saturday: Up and at em, down to the casino floor for load out and a lil video poker!

vegas 014
10am, back at the bar, and the fellas are hungry for breakfast!
vegas 016
Bloody Mary? check. Coors Light? check. Fatburger with fried egg? Oh hell yes!
vegas 015
Tomorrow we start the diet my little monkeys--but for now, mangia, mangia!!

Alright then, great roadtrip, guys!

Again: Our Last Gig: Las Vegas

Wha? Christ Almighty, what’s with all the complaints about our recent gig coverage? Apparently, some of you people don;t care about our culinary exploits and want to hear about, what? Actual gig news??
We go out of our way to spread the mighty CH3 seed throughout this great Nation, and then we come home and bring you all the details of our travels–and it’s still not enough?!

We’ve received hundreds of emails demanding actual proof that we really played in Las Vegas, as well as a dozen marriage proposals for Tbone.

tbne
oooh--his eyes are so dreamy!

What? You can’t trust us? It should be enough for your old buddies here at the CH3 information desk to tell you we went out and played a show.
Frankly, I find it a little insulting that you would demand photographic proof that we actually made it to the stage and played a gig.

Besides, we lost the camera.
And by lost the camera, I don’t mean misplaced it in the casino. No, we ran out of chips to split the Aces with fifty in the hole, so we put the digital down as a marker.

I really hope a one Miss Candace Petersson, StationCasino employee#4516b, hometown Akron Ohio, enjoys the Cannon D1400 Sure Shot. Bitch.

mindplay_1
Knock yourself out, Sister--I hope you enjoy all the GG Elvis pix that are still on the memory chip!

Thank God our old pals at Big Wheel Mag were on hand to record the festivities!

Vegasmk
A combined age of 97 years on this Earth....!!
vegaskm
Birthday Boy Kimm tries to stand upright and play a guitar at the same time: But it's so Goddamn easy when yer sober!!

vegasant
Let's see: All you can eat crablegs+nine beers+a warm shot of Patron. Oh yeah, I gotta remember this combination!

vegasalf
Let's speed things up, bitches! The blackjack tables are callin to me!

vegasm
In my sleep, I tells ya! That's how long I've been playing these same fuckin songs!

(Happy? Check out Big Wheel Magazine for all your news and gig updates, and leave us alone, Goddamnit!)

Our Last Gig: Spike’s in Rosemead

We’ve been getting a lot of complaints at the
CH3 Home Office
regarding the lack of any real punk rock content on these pages. So in an effort to bring you good people up to date, we’ve started a new feature, Our Last Gig! In this column we’ll review our latest show, the venue, opening acts and friends in the audience. Sounds good, huh? Let’s get started:

Ah, Rosemead. It’s been called the hidden jewel of San Gabriel Valley, but we don’t want to let the secret out! After a lengthy layoff from the stage, we decided what better place to get back up there and bust Alf’s balls than this lil gig…..

This color combination has been know to cause epileptic fits in Cambodian children...
This color combination has been know to cause epileptic fits in Cambodian children...

You know us, though, and any trip out to SGV has us looking for a bowl of noodles– and I don’t mean Udon, brother! Yeah, that’s it, it’s Pho the fellas had on their mind as they made the wordless trek up the 605.

Can you spot how many animals gave their precious lives for this bowl?
Can you spot how many animals gave their precious lives for this bowl?

Pho. It’s more than a dish, it is a state of mind that brings all the senses into play. The poetic beauty of the Vietnamese language, the exotic flavorings of the broth. The slight hint of urine that perfumes the ghostly puffs of steam that rise to your grateful face!!

Well, we simply sat back and let our trusty handler Paul Lucas do his thing. Being a citizen of Little Saigon, he knows his way around a plate of Cha Gio, let me tell you! Behind the wheel, Paul set his radar for Viet cuisine and off we flew.

Level headed Paul Lucas.  He looks 10 years younger on Facebook.
Level headed Paul Lucas. He looks 10 years younger on Facebook.

Eventually we settled on My Dung restaurant, nestled right in the middle of Garvey Avenue. The following photo comes from the 11 o’clock news, not 36 hours after we left this fine establishment– Seems a little armed confrontation left 2 dead within these walls. Heh. Well, you don’t get the authentic Vietnamese experience without a bit of the ol “Di Di Mau!”, eh?

My Dung restaurant.   Nah, too easy....
My Dung restaurant. Nah, too easy....

The Pho dishes, though generously portioned, lacked a certain depth to the broth. Kimm believes that comes from the failure to roast the bones before making a stock, but that’s Kimm for you!

Dinner was going fine until the waiter brought Mr. Paul his Iced Tea with a slice of lemon—-not a wedge! The audacity!

Who the fuck is responsible for this outrage?!
Who the fuck is responsible for this outrage?!

Oh, Paulie, the trouble you’ve seen! On his many travels through the twisted nights of CH3, Paul has seen many things. Sights that would have a lesser man muttering to himself and staring at the lamp, clicking it on, off….on, off.

Here is a man that has taken his share of abuse and good cheer, and his forthright shell has never shown a crack.

Oh, unless you count the little incident at JFK after the boys spent the day with D.I. Casey at McSorley’s on the Lower East Side.

Uh, do you mind, Casey? We're still in the middle of our goddamnned set!

We had to miss 2 flights as we waited for Anthony to sober up between shots at Manitoba’s! Paulie was then subjected to a high speed gypsy cab ride to the airport where Salvadoran porn played non-stop on the overhead DVD player.

Get in, rápidamente!!  She's about to squirt!
Get in, rápidamente!! She's about to squirt!

A guitar was left behind at CBGB’s, a cigarette was lit in the security line. The authorities have been called.

It would make any man crack.

Sir?  Can you step out of line and speak to those kind gentlemen with the uniforms?
Sir? Can you step out of line and speak to those kind gentlemen with the uniforms?

That day at the airport, the sun slowly set over our shoulders, reminding us that we were still still! on the East coast. That warm sun was presently sinking into the familiar Pacific waters without our audience. I heard Paul’s voice crack as he pleaded with the ticket lady for the next flight- any flight– to escape these mad men. As we leaned against the Jet Blue ticket counter, so far from home, I caught one of the twinkling teardrops that cascaded off his face and touched it to my lips. The taste? Bitter defeat.

Stay tuned for the next gig report from your ol pals here at CH3!