Scarpati

An excerpt from the upcoming book Cramp, Slash, & Burn: “When Punk and Glam were Twins”
by John Scarpati.

Ya know, it was funny at the time.
You’d be there, oh, say 1:40 a.m. at the Cathay De Grande sippin a cocktail.
Lost in your thoughts, you look around only to see what madman is behind the turntables in the DJ booth this time, who thinks playing Bob Seger at 45rpm is such a grand idea at 105 decibels.

That’s when your eyes fall on a familiar face.
The visage the same, but now the hair is longer and bigger, the clothes more stylishly rumpled.

And is that goddamn mascara you got on? Dude!

But you’re hardly one to talk, as you adjust dear departed Aunt Babe’s ermine shawl about your shoulders, so it sits just so.

It was the mid 80’s, and it seemed as though the baldy punker team was losing yet another solider to the trash team every day.

...when the Circle Jerks grow their hair out you definitely know something's up!

Our generation of punk rockers, we were the brats of the 70’s, just reaching drinking age in those early 80’s.
Our shared soundtrack of youth consisted of Kiss and Bowie, Cheap Trick and Black Sabbath.

There was trashy pop floating from tinny am radio stations, the background to our earliest memories:
Endless 8 track loops of Frampton Comes Alive in the back of Mom’s station wagon, and the heavy stoner rock absorbed through the thin drywall separating us from our older brothers’ smoky rooms.

We were forever subjected to someone else’s music, it seemed.
And then –finally—punk rock.

All these things were mixed together, our heads vodka-powered cuisinarts, and somehow we all arrived at a similar place.
And that place might as well be John Scarpati’s photo studio, ground Zero for the trashglam movement.

It was there that we were coaxed to tease the hair a little higher, pout a little more, and let our glam flags fly!

I know other bands made a similar transformation, it’s all there in the photos after all.
And I imagine there’s a lot of bands that are cringing at the thought of Scarpati finally scanning those photos, setting them free into the wilds of the internet.

Oh, I suppose we could be embarassed as well and try to hide from these shocking and somehow feline images of debauchery.
But let’s be honest here, shall we?

We had a fucking blast back then!

Scrappy Enigma Records seemed to be welcoming every burnt out punk band in town, and they encouraged us to stretch out beyond the hardcore boundaries we’d always had to obey.

So you meet Bill and Wes, you go into the studio with Ron Goudie, you get invited to a couple actual industry Christmas parties and boom!–there you are in Scarpati’s studio, can of Aqua Net pink in one hand and a sweating highball in the other.

I suppose it was a time when, as children all of 23 years old, we were already jaded veterans of show business.
Through the wringer of booking and promoting, being ripped off by promoters and doormen all over again, it was if we suddenly thought—hell, why not?

Why not us to be the next ones, to get a major label deal and ride these dark streets in a limosine instead of a ’79 Jetta with a broken tailight.
We spent 5 nights out of 7 in Hollywood, and it seemed as though fame was maddeningly possible, yet just out of reach: palpable and elusive as an aroma.

And so we tottered along the Strip in our cowboy boots, wearing scarves and earrings that would make Liza Minelli blush, passing out flyers and getting smashed.

Leaving our beloved Firefly on a damp night, we’d stumble over to Hollywood Blvd and make a right, vaguely in the direction of the Frolic Room.

Walking on Stars, each of us silently going over the speeches we’d one day make, on hands and knees, in front of our own granite pentagram.

And the streetlights overhead, they hummed their own song as they cast their harsh sodium glare at the forgotten celebrities underneath our feet.
You squinted up at them through the mist and they glowed amber, like spotlights pointed center stage.

You and Your Blog’s Health…….

Last week we received an email from the fine folks over at WordPress, who apparently host this blog you are currently reading.

I thought we’d finally gone too far with our recent entry on the subtle differences between Japanese and German scat fetishes and had our masthead revoked!

But no.

Filled with strange statistics and bizarre terms, it was a report of this Blog’s status for 2010.
Now, we try not to get too involved in the logistics of this whole webby/intranet thingy–afterall, we saw The Matrix too, brother!

You see, we simply paid a Cambodian exchange student to set all this up online and started typing.
But it seems as though there are people that pay attention to these doings on the web, and no, I don’t mean the federal agents that take note every time you log onto this site.
*(Sorry about all that Anarchyboy13 @ gmail. Your court case is going along nicely though I see!)

These geeks actually keep track of how many times people look in on us, how they got here, what kind of cars they drive, if their fillings are silver or porcelain, blah blah…..

I know, right? Who gives a fuck.
But they went to all the trouble of sending out this report, so let’s take a look, shall we?


YOUR 2010 BLOG REVIEW

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Heh. Did you read that motherfuckers?
The Blog-Health-o-Meter reads “Wow.”

Now, I don’t know exactly what the hell a Blog-Health-o-Meter actually is, though I imagine it looks comparable to a sigmoidoscope complete with a tiny colon probe….

Hmmm.....I see your RSS feed subscriptions are low this quarter....

I’ll take it.

We can’t go arguing with the ol’ Blog-Health-o-Meter, now can we?
Ok, let’s Keep Reading:

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

The average container ship can carry about 4,500 containers. This blog was viewed about 19,000 times in 2010. If each view were a shipping container, your blog would have filled about 4 fully loaded ships.

In 2010, there were 34 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 83 posts. There were 779 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 250mb. That’s about 2 pictures per day.

The busiest day of the year was June 3rd with 185 views. The most popular post that day was To Rebellion: Travel Day to Blackpool.

Whoa.
Nineteen Thousand views for the past year?!

And not one of you bastards can buy a T-shirt from the website? Huh?

I was just as shocked as you, people.
Oh sure, we get a couple of comments written in now and then, but most of the responses are spam from Russian beastiality porn sites.
And Alf’s creditcard is still screwed up from that!

But jeezus!-at 19,000 views, we could start selling some advertising space on this page, get a little scratch going!

Oh, don’t whine you goddamn hippies. It’s nothing we’ve decided on just yet.
But in the meantime, let’s take a little break here and enjoy a word from one of our fine and tasteful sponsors:

Gold Bond. The #1 Anti-Itch cream of aging punkers!

And we’re back!
That wasn’t so bad, now was it?

The report goes on to tell us where you good readers came from.
I was excited about this, as I thought they could actually tell us the locations that people were logging on from.
You know, corporate offices, public libraries, soup kitchens…….

But turns out they just keep track of the other sites that refer people to us?
Is that how this thing works?

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were chthree.com, facebook.com, mail.yahoo.com, myspace.com, and twitter.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for true blood, iron maiden eddie, john waters, larry walters, and eddie iron maiden.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

To Rebellion: Travel Day to Blackpool August 2009
1 comment

2

San Diego III December 2009
3 comments

3

The CH3 Eye on TV: True Blood September 2009
2 comments

4

Larry Walters June 2009

5

The Channel 3 Movie Coming to a Theatre Next Summer! July 2009
1 comment

WTF?

You mean to tell me the most popular posts were written back in 2009??

There is a post on there, the one about San Diego, that got thousands of hits.
And why?
Because it contained one picture of Eddie from Iron Maiden!!!

Oh, so that’s how it is?
You people didn’t come here to learn about the heroic adventures of a punk band on its feeble yet cheerful last legs, eh?

No, you are here solely because you typed Iron Maiden or True Blood into Google and *poof!* you end up on a site looking at pictures of food and drunken punk rockers?
And then you exit as fast as possible, wondering what the hell kind of virus is gonna pop up now…..oh yeah—we see you!

So I suppose we could just load this page up with a bunch of gossipy drivel and random images and the count would skyrocket, is that it?

Well, we have a little too much integrity for that.
We’re old school punk rockers after all, and I’d like to think we still have our old values intact.

Good day Sir!

In the meantime, here’s a picture of a topless Megan Fox with her tongue sticking out.

Related Tags: Megan Fox, Tongue, Fox's Tongue, Megan tongue, Please Read My Blog

Ka-ching!