Really? Is there some fucking unwritten rule where they put the guy who leans all the way back in front of me?
Virgin Airlines non stop LAX to London, and yeah, spent some miles to upgrade to Premium—-but I might as well ship myself to Heathrow in a goddamn refrigerator box when the 5’3″ man in front of me decides a trans-Atlantic flight would be a good time to torture my kneecaps!!!
...please sit back and enjoy the short ten hour flight and...gaaaa! My fucking legs are numb!!!!!
Oh, look at him—he’s bouncing back and forth in his Premium Class leather heaven like a goddamn monkey. It truly would not surprise me if I started feeling the tell-tale masturbatory rhythms of primal satisfaction coming from seat 35C!!!
What the is this all about? Do you short gimps really feel that a long period of time spent in a small metal tube is the best time to express your hatred for any normal sized human??!
Ah well–I’m use to this kind of abuse…at least they had good in-flight entertainment going on……..
Well, I ended up watching Anvil over and over 10 times…..Who’s heard of this movie? hmmm? Childhood friends continue playing long after any demand exists, and they ride their sad legacy into the dust….sound familiar kids?!?!?!
The story of a band that doesn't know when to hang it up....can you belive these clowns???!
Right then, the Euro tour van is all gassed up, we’re ready to hit the continent!
Alright fuckers, quit complaining and pedal----I gotta steer this thing!
Check back with yer old pals often, we’ll be updating the travelogue as often as possible-Cheers!
Goddamn, how'd they get this galaxy of stars all together? Must be like Woody Allen only does commercials for Preparation H in Japan, eh?? Fucking cute, am I right? We would've also accepted ducklings and bunny rabbits in silly hats... Vienna!....lemmee just hit Google for a couple sausage jokes and I'lll be right with you....They also made the same flyer in black. Jesus, how we supposed to cope with this kinda pressure?!Riesa..it's been called the Chino Hills of Germany!OK then, looks like the Klownhouse is still a go...wonder how the Simpletones squeaked outta this one though!
Looking forward to Berlin-gonna check out the wall, see how they kept all the Mexicans out! ...and we're excited to be back! Especially as we've never been there!
Squint your eyes and cover the top half of the poster, and you can clearly see we are the headliners of this fest!
News Item: Hollywood Reporter, July 8, 2009- HOLLYWOOD:DreamWorks is in negotiations to acquire movie rights to the View Master toy from Mattel (which owns Fisher-Price) and has asked Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci to do some “Transformers”-style magic on it.
These things suck! Ever try to watch porn on one?
Wot say? A movie based on a toy? Pffft- we were way ahead of Hollywood when Kimm and I took our considerable advance monies from Posh Boy and bought the movie rights to Klik Klaks: The New World Order! Gaaaa! My fucking eye!!!!
Gee, is Hollywood running out of original ideas? Ya think?
Well, it was bound to happen. After the recent Germs bio pic One of these people is an actor, acting quite drunk. The rest? Real drunks!!
and the worldwide success of your old pals in One More for all My True Friends, a major motion picture studio has come calling for the film rights to our amazing story. Hardly a surprise, considering the valuable audience profile of CH3…let’s take a look, shall we?
Much like the Dogtown story received its dramatic account well after the documentary, the idea is to tell the CH3 story in full cinescope, with major hollywood stars in the roles of the CH3 crew.
Of course, the major hurdle proved to be casting this epic. I mean, how ya gonna find 4 mainstream actors that can convincingly portray your heroes on the silver screen?!
The actor portraying Alf had to have the winning combination of street smarts and sensitivity….. Alfie hangin in the alley as usual...
First calls went out to Vin Diesel : Did ya get my twitter, bitch?!
and funnyman Dave Atell….
Personally I don;t see the resemblance....
These choices seemed viable, but Alfredo nixed them as not reflecting his own proud Latino Heritage. We’re pretty happy with his final choice:
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I'm going to talk like a cholo now...prepare to shit yourself!
Oh, we know what you’re thinking for the role of Anthony… Body of Christ.......
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Easy, right? Let’s put in the calls to Keanu or Depp….. Well, they're alright...I guess.....
Well sir, Ant had final approval and he said fuck those pretty boys! The negotiations and proposals went on for weeks…..
Ant saw himself portrayed by someone like Tough guy Danny Trejo: Who's got my fuckin bass? Huh?!
While the rest of us thought charcater actor Luis Guzman might capture his free spirit……..!
It's the twinkle in the eyes....that's what makes the character!!
Surprisingly, Ovitz put in a personal call from CAA, seems like one of his A listers wanted a crack at the role of the boyish bass player. Although skeptical, we agreed to let this Hollywood vet read for the part and he knocked it out of the park! We couldn’t be more pleased with the man set to portray Anthony Thompson next year!
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Give it a chance, people...ok, now you can see it, am I right?!
Next up: The casting call that put Hollywood on Red Alert! Yes, the lead actors that would portray Mike and Kimm in the movie. These roles would have to be considered among the classic Male duos of all time….. Ralph and Norton? Fred and Barney? Fuck it, I give up!!!
And don’t give me that Clooney/Pitt nonsense! Those closeted fairies wouldn’t be able to last ten minutes in the real world of hardcore punk!
But who then would deliver the magical chemistry that saw childhood friends Magrann and Gardener become the worldwide sensations you know them as today?
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We went through the obvious hollywood duos to no avail:
Too fat....Too gay....Too Dead....Hmmm..ya know what? We're gettin warmer..!What the...? Alright, now you people are just getting silly!
The star search continues as millions of dollars are wasted on the halted production! Please send your own ideas to: castingcall@channel3themovie.com
Hmmm, what’s in the ol CH3 inbox this morning? Spam, spam, email for viagra, email for extenz, email for online Xanax…goddamn, do these people know us or what?
Hey, what’s this? Alfredo has finally finished up the Summer Tour poster eh?
Alf's latest poster. The North Koreans have offered him a handsome wage to work on their campaigns!
Sweet Jesus! Did we really sign off on this many dates for the Summer? Goddamn, it’s time to get in shape for that madness! In the old days it was so easy, getting ready for a tour. All you had to do was get the guitars out of hock, break up with the girlfriends and cut off whatever warts that were getting a little too obvious…….
But with *ahem* advanced experience, we’ve found we need a bit of more preparation than before……
..now if they only made this for nose and ear hairs....
Oh, don’t act so shocked! Did you really think we maintain this sleek image through God’s gift alone?! It’s no wonder the CH3 hairstyle has been compared favorably with the rich pelt of the arctic seal…. Hey Debbie, is that the singer or the bass player? Whatever, I'm going for it!
And we obviously have to get the ol’ wind back, and if you’re like us, that means hours of riding bikes in the riverbed while singing Prince songs as loud as possible…
International Lover..gaaa! This fuckin Ipod's gonna kill me!
And nutriton, you can’t forget that! I mean, you can’t expect people to pay good money to watch a bunch of fat old fuckers laying about the stage, can ya?
Oh my...is that them Jonas Brothers I've been hearing so much about?!
Plenty of sleep, hydration, and a strict diet– that’s the key to a successful tour, eh?
Green apple, green tea, 6 raw almonds....I'm feeling naughty, so make that 7 almonds!
Heh…yeah, right.
Listen, we’ve tried all of this clean living nonsense, and that shit’s not gonna help you out on the road. Here’s what ya gotta do:
Set the alarm for 3am, then get up and take 2 Tylenol PMs with several shots of Jager. Trust me on this, it’s the only way to get your inner body clock on track. Don’t go back to bed though, oh no….find yourself the most uncomfortable place possible and let the medicine do it’s magic!
Mmmm....sleeping like a baby. Drooling and shit his pants... *rimshot* Hey0!!
Now you wake up at 1pm, feeling disoriented, hungover and parched. Perfect! This simulates the day-after the show perfectly. Now I’d suggest sitting in a large cardboard box with a bag of Beef Jerky and a liter of Mountain Dew for 7 hours. This is roughly comparable to your van ride between Baltimore and Boston on the New Jersey Turnpike….
Hey! How come Anthony always gets to stretch out on the back bench?!
Now what you want to do is go down to the shopping mall and ask strangers if they know where the promoter is. Of course, they will have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, and will either ignore you or try to push you into the planter. This is identical to the treatment you will be receving after you arrive at the club and have to wait in the parking lot for two hours before someone shows up with the drink tickets. In the meantime, disconnect your refrigerator and push it up and down your driveway a few times to get in shape for the load in……see if you can get someone to stand directly in your way and tell you how much your new music sucks if you really want to get the full effect!
Oh Ho! I laugh at your feeble attempts to mature musically in the late 80's....your autograph please.
It goes unsaid that you’ve been drinking beer all day, of course! So let’s say it’s around midnight now and you are feeling weak, drunk, dehydrated, and you’ve been shitting a constant stream of orange liquid….it must be showtime!
Now go for an hour long jog while trying to remember the words to songs you wrote 26 years ago. When you do forget the lyrics, throw a beer bottle in the air and try to dodge it….extra points of you can get your neighbors to yell out requests for Shattered Faith and Agent Orange songs while you run past! Play Bloodstains goddamnit!!!
Now you’re sweaty, exhausted and ready for bed…..but you know damn well that’s not gonna happen! Find a bar that still allows smoking, and see if you can find a couple drunken Germans to talk directly into your ear canal until closing time. You can’t undertand them, but you must stand there and nod politely as they get more drunk and agitated…..eventually, one of them will yell something about George W. and take a swing at you. Scheisser!
3 a.m. means it’s time for the one real meal of the day……
Just a snack, really.....
Congratulations! Day one of the tour is complete!
Repeat this routine for two weeks and you’ll be ready for all that this wonderful world has to offer!!!
Well, looks like another slow news day, nothing much happening eh? *cough* child molester overdoses on demerol *cough* so let’s pull out that lazy ol feature, the Friday Foto Roundup!
Here at the CH3 FFR, we’ve received several pix from our recent Disney HOB gig in Anaheim.
Here we have our usual merch crew, gettin the much needed CH3 product into the right hands:
News item: popular music group CH3 found in violation of several child labor laws. Investigation pending.
We quickly switched to our relief crew. Sales plummeted.
Oh sweet Jesus....no wonder the kids were all scared away!
So our ol pal Mike E sent along this pic of the pit. Looks like a normal night of violence and fun, yes? But note the odd light image floating above the crowd….
The sounds, the energy...the smell. Ya had to be there....
Interesting eh? Utilizing advanced technology at the CH3 crime lab, we were able to isolate the spectral energy caught in the photo:
These guys would have better luck with the mojados at Home Depot!
Alright, we’ll post the inevitable pic of your so called King of Pop. Hey, if this is what you kids classify as rock royalty nowdays have at it! Gaaaa!
We’ve been getting a lot of irate emails and-god help us-tweets at the CH3 communications center about our recent Twitter blog. Jesus, you tech nerds are a prissy bunch, aren’t ya? DragonMaster83: I declare CH3's recent musings worst blog ever! ROFLMAO!
Alright already, let’s not get our panties in a bunch—we’re not giving up on this trend0 technology just yet.
Actually,after reading through a few of these Tweets, it occurred to me that they greatly resemble that hoary old Junior High chestnut, the Haiku! We play at ten sharp/Please don't ask for the guest list/See the tortoise cry We know, we know—you’ve always associated CH3 with being champions of the Iambic Pentameter, and oh brother–don’t get Anthony and Alf started on the limitations of the Sonnet as a metaphysical vehicle!! Not unless you want a couple of drunk Latino hotheads schoolin ya on TS eliot!! Get the fuck outta here! Prufrock was a pinche' joto!
But this Twitter business—it’s almost hypnotic with the brief missives, eh? For example, check this recent update we posted:
Threw up in my mouth onstage @hob thursday. Could’ve pulled it off if I didn’t spit it out and then tell the audience…learn from this! Excuse me, anybody got a breathmint and a handi wipe? ...anyone?
Nice eh? Conveys the sense of place and action— clean and brief. That’s really what you people want to read on your Iphones, ain’t it? I mean, really–what I’m eating, how I’m feeling…. It all boils down to the bodily function.
I can just see this post happening in the near future:
I just Sharted!
And then –cryptically, tragically—- only this:
Raisinets!
Hey, if that’s what you folks really want popping up on the screen during your son’s graduation, fine by me…. I can do this nonsense all day, people!
So there you are, a nice romantic dinner in that new Persian place you’ve both been dying to try. And yeah, it’s been a crazy week for the both of you- it seems like you see less of each other now than before she moved in…crazy, huh?
A peppery zinfadel breathes patiently on the table. The lavash was divine, the khoresht is on its way, and you are feeling aligned with this wonderful world.
So you take her hands in yours, look into those deep green eyes. They shine tonight, and it reminds you of the phosphorus glow of the waves, that night you first kissed her on the beach at midnight. Those eyes- the twin moons orbiting your wounded planet- they are the only things keeping you from flying off into the void.
This is the time to talk about a future, a real commitment, and so you finally say the words—Whoa—Wha?! The blackberry is buzzing between you , and hello–here’s a tweet from Alf:
The dog ate his fill of catshit, just barfed on the carpet. lol!
The simple story of an old man, a young boy, latex balloons and a length of garden hose. Insert pedophile joke here:
What is it about unpowered flight that fascinates us? Is it the silent journey into the heavens, guided only by the gentle breath of God?
Nah. Merely the primal fascination of man seeing what he cannot do, but very much wants to. Ever see how the orangutans at the San Diego Zoo all start masturbating frenetically whenever a butterfly floats by?
You think floating under a balloon is a legitimate form of transportation? Really?
Then why is it every billionaire who attempts a balloon journey, with every technology at his fingertips, ends up hanging off an electrical transfomer 10 miles from the launch pad?! Listen, I’d love to walk to Hawaii some time, that sounds like a real hoot.
Shall I see if Richard Branson wants to come along? Alert the Press? Smashing good fun! Have them inflate the backup zeppelin, Smithers!
But maybe you’ve heard of a man named Larry Walters, somewhat of a personal hero around here at the CH3 base camp. Larry was a truckdriver who took flight on July 2, 1982 in a homemade aircraft. Dubbed Inspiration I, the “flying machine” consisted of an ordinary patio chair with 45 helium-filled weather balloons attached to it. Walters rose to an altitude of 16,000 feet (4,900 m) and floated from his point of origin in San Pedro, California into controlled airspace near Long Beach Airport.
And this is long before the meth epidemic....why can't you goddamn kids think up something like this?!
That’s right–you’ve heard of him now, right? The lawnchair guy!
Larry took his little flight and that was about it. But his trip captured the dreams of millions and actually inspired a few imitators. Notably, Brazillian Priest Adelir Antonio de Carli who disappeared while re-creating the legendary flight of Larry Walters. Fater de Carli was well prepared and had flotation, GPS and parachute. Body parts found offshore July 4 2008.Hey! I can see my house from up here....no wait--that's my painful demise I'm seeing. The Spanish tiles confused me....
These jokers totally missed the point of Larry’s little jaunt. It had nothing to do with daring or the insatiable hunger for adventure. This was a stunt born of boredom, and I’d bet my goddamn last dollar a little alcohol was involved…..
Yeh right---you're telling me none of them jugs had any booze in em?
But here’s the real reason Larry Walters is a true American hero: After violating federal airspace, causing an electrical blackout on landing, and being immediately arrested by the Long Beach Police, a reporter asked him the reason for the flight. “Because a man can’t just sit around,” was his reply.
Wha? Because a man can’t just sit around?! Goddamn right brother! That’s gonna be my new motto too! Next time the cops roll around at 3am and ask me why the hell I’m taking a dump on the front steps of the high school, well, ya know what I’m gonna tell ’em!
A man can’t just sit around–duh!
He committed suicide at the age of 44 by shooting himself in the heart in Angeles National Forest in 1993
Larry Walters by CH3 Larry Walters was a man who saw his dream take flight
Have you never been afraid yet told you had to fight?
We all keep dangerous thoughts contained like gasoline
Larry took his bottle of hopes and opened it with his teeth
Take me with you when you fly away from here
Show me the truths that lie just beyond my fears
Larry Walters, how does it feel
When your fantasy becomes real
Larry Walters, is my earth still round?
Larry Walters, don’t you ever come down
I used to sit up on the roof though terrified of heights
I grew to love my neighbor’s dog who growled all through my nights
If only I could fly away and finally touch the truth
I’d shiver in the stratosphere, I’d let go my balloons
I’ve seen your light but I can’t break free of this 9 to 5
Hold the time, it’s terra firma nine to life
So our man Alf sends a frenzied email, seems he’s intoTweeting now! Says it’s the greatest thing ever, especially for a musician.
Oh Alfie! Say it ain’t so! I know you’re a drummer and all, but don’t you know that meth shit will kill you? Sure, I know it’s fun to take apart VCRs, we all do that…but don’t you remember how the last CH3 drummer ended up?
Ain't much to look at, but this kid could play the shit out of Wetspots!
Heh. No, you silly fuckin rabbit says Alfredo–not Tweaking,Tweeting–as in Twitter, ya dig?
How’s that? Come again? Twitter? What means this? Explain yerself!
Twitter –have you heard of it? Oh, I guess all the kids are all over this stuff. So kill us, we’re a little behind the times over here at the CH3 headquarters.
No sir, Misters Magrann and Gardener haven't returned from lunch yet. Would you like to talk to a bass player or drummer? Hello? Hello?
Hell, we were still making flyers at kinko’s up until last February, but my nephew set us up with a myspace page. He’s got some secret deal going on I guess, so it only costs us 105 bucks a month….seems to be workin pretty good!
OK, let me get this straight..we’re supposed to hover over our cell phones to see what Oprah or Shaq are doing every goddamn fifteen minutes? Listen, I don’t really care what Shaq had for breakfast or what he thinks of Dwight Howard these days. Now, if he would report on the approximate girth and weight of the dump he took this morning, now that would hold my interest…. Do the math, people! Look at the size of his feet!
Assuming we don’t need to find out where to wait in line for Kimchi tacos, just what purpose does this newfangled thang have, hmm? It seems to me we really don’t need to hear what celebrities are doing, we get enough of that anyway. And normal people? Bleh. Yeh, I know you’re standing in line at goddamn Target, sister…that’s me right behind you, holding the 40 pound sack of Nutro Senior Dog Formula while you’re tapping away on your Blackberry!
If you’d really want compelling updates, why not just give Twitter accounts to Crackwhores? Then you’d be getting some good reading….
I’ll be on Beach and Katella after 10 by the green dumpster. The sore is closed now too.
Or:
Precious think she the best out here. Wash yo ass skank!
Sure baby....Lemmee just tweet Marcus and see what the half and half is goin' for tonite...
But we gotta roll with these changes, especially with a whole Summer’s worth of roadwork comin up. Hell it might be fun, tap out a few notes while we’re nursing Budvars on the Vlatava river. Maybe a running commentary, a little travelogue in small chapters….I know 140 words will be a tough limit, but I like a challenge. We’ll just have to switch from Fitzgerald mode into Hemingway esque, is that it?
Dear, Dear Twitter Followers: Where do I begin? Last night's show was...hmm, how shall I put this? I suppose the word I'm looking for i
What the fuck? One Hundred and Forty Characters?!! Oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me.
WICHITA, Kan. – Dr. George Tiller, one of the nation’s few providers of late-term abortions despite decades of protests and attacks, was shot and killed by an anti-abotion activist Sunday in a church where he was serving as an usher.
Hey Now! You can’t make this kind of comedy gold up, people! Let’s read that again: An anti-abortion activist decides to take out ol Doc Tiller while he was at Church! (or Tiller the baby Killer, as Bill O’Reily liked to call him—what what? Tillah the Killah? O’Reily’s like fuckin’ Ludacris over there at Fox, eh? I gotsta tune in more often!) Lemme get a hollah from my niggahs on the Wesside!
Heh. These guys are so Pro Life they decide to kill someone? That’s like roaming a dark park in Bristol at 4 am and buying all the crack a Jamaican dealer has on him, just so you can “keep it off the street, for the kids’ sake”!
Under hypnosis, Alf was able to remember certain details of the traumatic night...
Now, far be it for your ol pals at CH3 to take any political sides, though if you are anti-abortion fanatic intent on harming or shaming others with a different opinion yer a fuckin moron.
We actually visited this topic quite a while ago, in a snappy little track we call A Time to Kill. Let’s take a listen:
A Time to Kill
I got Time on my hands
That Time is red I understand
I’ve lost the chance to hesitate
I deal cards like awful fate
All the voices tend to get so loud
The riotous voices of a murderous crowd
To turn away, that would be my sin
I’l never give up, they’ll never win
The endless war that I’ve begun
Spreads like a black spot on a lung
I act alone, that’s understood
I speak for all that’s true and good
To stand for life means there’ll be no Choice
Sometimes you kill to extinguish a voice
To turn away, that would be my sin
I’l never surrender, they’ll never win
The end of my innocence, Lies loaded on the floor
So many children die, I never noticed that before
Come back to me, my innocence, I will not turn away
Salvation’s never cheap, I will not fade away
I act upon God’s will
I aim for endless thrill
This is my time to kill….
So what ya wanna do when dealing with these type of heavy black lyrics is to throw ’em right on top of a peppy Foo-Fighters track and there ya go! Social commentary without the gritty aftertaste!! Enjoy!
And just why is Catalina known as Punk Rock Island??? Well, I suppose it’s mainly because this is supposed to be a mean ol punk rock blog and yet I don’t have anything very punk to write about. Let’s face it, the gigs have been scarce lately, so we have to reach a little here for the Punk content that keeps us in the thousands of hits per hour in the PR community. Perhaps you recall our recent post on Picorino Romano: The Punkest of all Cheeses! This guy used to hang out at The Masque, you fuckin Poseurs!
See what I mean? This is the internet, people, and from now on whenever some poor fool Googles punkest cheese, well, you know where the dollars are gonna flow!!
Perhaps you’ve never been to that little burg we call Avalon, just a scant 29 miles offshore. Let us take you there now, and give you a few handy tips on transportation, lodging and eating establishments.
Dawn broke clear and calm as we loaded the venerable California Sun with provisions…..
Hey, Ho....who's got money for gas, goddamnit?!
The slow float out of the harbor was smooth and quiet. Yes…..maybe too quiet, hmmm? Little did we know the raging winds that were whipping up the channel as we cracked the first beer of the day.
9am on the water equals 5pm on land--gimmee a beer!
Soon enough we were in the thick of things, blue water washing over the bow. It was like The Perfect Storm out there, except without the facial hair and bad New England accents. We actually spilled half of the hummus dip on deck, that’s just how bad it got….
Oh come on! I just got Pinot Noir all over my No Values T shirt!
Luckliy, the Cali Sun stayed true and strong, and we were soon moored safely in Avalon Harbor.
Now you’re there on the island, safe and dry. Let the following photos take you there, as we explore the many activities and fascinating sights Catalina has to offer–Enjoy!
The warm inviting sand of Avalon Beach.... The beautifully groomed fairways at the Avalon Country Club are sure to bring out your best game! What a great way to catch up with old friends! Why not join us on the Island for some good wholesome fun?
The preceeding has been a paid advertisement from the Avalon Tourist Board/Chamber of Commerce.http://www.gocatalina.com
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