Hmmm, what’s in the ol CH3 inbox this morning? Spam, spam, email for viagra, email for extenz, email for online Xanax…goddamn, do these people know us or what?
Hey, what’s this? Alfredo has finally finished up the Summer Tour poster eh?
Sweet Jesus! Did we really sign off on this many dates for the Summer? Goddamn, it’s time to get in shape for that madness! In the old days it was so easy, getting ready for a tour. All you had to do was get the guitars out of hock, break up with the girlfriends and cut off whatever warts that were getting a little too obvious…….
But with *ahem* advanced experience, we’ve found we need a bit of more preparation than before……
Oh, don’t act so shocked! Did you really think we maintain this sleek image through God’s gift alone?! It’s no wonder the CH3 hairstyle has been compared favorably with the rich pelt of the arctic seal….
And we obviously have to get the ol’ wind back, and if you’re like us, that means hours of riding bikes in the riverbed while singing Prince songs as loud as possible…
And nutriton, you can’t forget that! I mean, you can’t expect people to pay good money to watch a bunch of fat old fuckers laying about the stage, can ya?
Plenty of sleep, hydration, and a strict diet– that’s the key to a successful tour, eh?
Listen, we’ve tried all of this clean living nonsense, and that shit’s not gonna help you out on the road. Here’s what ya gotta do:
Set the alarm for 3am, then get up and take 2 Tylenol PMs with several shots of Jager. Trust me on this, it’s the only way to get your inner body clock on track. Don’t go back to bed though, oh no….find yourself the most uncomfortable place possible and let the medicine do it’s magic!
Now you wake up at 1pm, feeling disoriented, hungover and parched. Perfect! This simulates the day-after the show perfectly. Now I’d suggest sitting in a large cardboard box with a bag of Beef Jerky and a liter of Mountain Dew for 7 hours. This is roughly comparable to your van ride between Baltimore and Boston on the New Jersey Turnpike….
Now what you want to do is go down to the shopping mall and ask strangers if they know where the promoter is. Of course, they will have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, and will either ignore you or try to push you into the planter. This is identical to the treatment you will be receving after you arrive at the club and have to wait in the parking lot for two hours before someone shows up with the drink tickets. In the meantime, disconnect your refrigerator and push it up and down your driveway a few times to get in shape for the load in……see if you can get someone to stand directly in your way and tell you how much your new music sucks if you really want to get the full effect!
It goes unsaid that you’ve been drinking beer all day, of course! So let’s say it’s around midnight now and you are feeling weak, drunk, dehydrated, and you’ve been shitting a constant stream of orange liquid….it must be showtime!
Now go for an hour long jog while trying to remember the words to songs you wrote 26 years ago. When you do forget the lyrics, throw a beer bottle in the air and try to dodge it….extra points of you can get your neighbors to yell out requests for Shattered Faith and Agent Orange songs while you run past!
Now you’re sweaty, exhausted and ready for bed…..but you know damn well that’s not gonna happen! Find a bar that still allows smoking, and see if you can find a couple drunken Germans to talk directly into your ear canal until closing time. You can’t undertand them, but you must stand there and nod politely as they get more drunk and agitated…..eventually, one of them will yell something about George W. and take a swing at you.
3 a.m. means it’s time for the one real meal of the day……
Congratulations! Day one of the tour is complete!
Repeat this routine for two weeks and you’ll be ready for all that this wonderful world has to offer!!!