Stretchmarks!

Sittin here, Long Beach Airport, cloudy Friday morning.
Waiting on the 11:40 non stop to Seattle.
Thank God they’ve let Legends come in and give us a curved blonde bar with a view of the runway– although the dark little hallway you used to sink Bloody Marys was pretty fun too.
Nothing like drinking overpriced cocktails at a rudely early hour with other drunks and nervous travelers!
I mean, where else can you go through three 22 oz Sam Adams at this hour without feeling like the lush you really are, hmmm?

Maybe the trips aren’t quite as arduous or often as they once were, but we do alright.
Nowdays, a long weekend qualifies as a tour. Jet Blue out of LB for a leisurely lunch and soundcheck. Maybe a show in another town Saturday, eat where the locals tell us, drink where they tell us not to.
Home Sunday evening in time to watch the East Coast feed of Californication before turning in for the night.
Easy.

But there was a time when we were true road animals, just itching to be out there in the wilds of America.
We’d count the days til the next jaunt with a wild gleam in our eyes, like landlocked sailors whiling away each dry day in a dockside pub: one eye on the glistening ocean, feeling the rough caress of tackle and block even as they pawed at the moist crotch of the shanty whore.

Of course, you wouldn’t always face the road by yourselves.
Besides taking the roadie and merch guy, often you were joined by another band for a tour, or maybe just for a week- long stretch.

Anyway, you get stuck, by promoter or booking agent, with another band for a stretch, and sometimes it goes well, other times…meh.
We onced played through Texas with Husker Du, this was at the very earliest stages of both our bands.
Serious musicians with a strong work ethic—them, not us, silly! —they seemed bewildered, and not in the least amused by our antics.

CH3 and Huskers crowd around a Dallas condom machine. Hilarity ensues.
Surely we should’ve known, even then, that certain bands have the outlook of Blackwater operatives, solemnly showing up to do the job, get paid, and get out of town in the cover of night.

Other bands? Well, let’s just say they treat a jaunt out of town as a free vacation, and they behave accordingly:

Gaaa! Wrestling with Kraut. Match called when Holland gets an awkward erection.

We have favorite bands to play with, yeh!
Our pals Kraut on the East coast, Doormats in the Bay area, maybe Youth Brigade— as long as Shawn is quiet, which means sucking face with a skank in the corner.

But it was Stretchmarks, those fearsome men out of the frozen North, that beared witness to some of our finest hours, as well as our most shameful, and yet still miraculously! count us as friends to this day.

Sssstretcchhhh!

The Stretchers first came into view on the BYO Comp, and somehow, it was decided that they would accompany us as for a bit on the loooong 1983 Lights Out tour.

Lunch break in Oklahoma

Our shyness with the new guys faded quickly, by about the second piss stop on the way out of town halfway to Tucson, when I pulled the ol Knock Knock-Who’s There?-John-John Who?-John the Baptist! joke on manger Matt, and sprayed a full beer up his nose.

Matt hard at work booking the next gig....

By Dallas, Mark, the maniacal bass player (fittingly dubbed Terror by then), was convinced him to shave off his eyebrows.
No problem, really, as we would apply electrical tape to his brow each evening–inverted for angry, or at an obtuse angle for bewildered!

The whole damn crew!

We traipsed through the Southwest like brothers, spending a long weekend in Austin with the Big Boys.

Hangin with the Boys!

And then it was off to the natural wilds of Woodshock Festival, an anarchistic collective of clattering generators and burnt out malcontents.
The highlight of the day was when I jumped off a 80 ft cliff, hand in hand with Mark, into the murky green quarry water below.

OK, maybe 50 feet. But still!

Of course, we were there to play music, not just braid each others’ hair and tell ghost stories. Though there was a lot of that!

A great team—They’d set em up, and we’d knock em down, The Stretchmarks coming out each night and roaring through their Hardcore manifesto!
Unfortunately, we never got a chance to actually see them play, as we were always out in the van listening to Prince or sneaking cases of beer out the back door of the club….

Jay shows how it's done!

They’d come out, sweaty and winded, as we’d be trying to learn the chords to Little Red Corvette in the Blue and White.
Oh well–we’ll catch ya next gig, promise!
heh.

Canadian Punker soup...mmm mmm!

In the years that followed, we met again for a few shows.
They cheerfully put up with our growing hair, and just shook their heads with a wistful smile when I’d pull a harmonica out of a cowboy boot in front of a crowd of spitting punkers.
And though they probably thought, what the fuck are these guys doing?, they still bought us a beer when they sold all their merch and we forgot to bring any!

The hair gets bigger, the heart grows fonder!

Punk Rock Bowling has become the high school reunion for aging punkers, and I can’t wait for the day that they start to include seminars on Medi-Cal for the punker or demonstrations on how to remove bad Social D Skeletons from your sagging triceps.

But it was here that we finally reconnected with our chums. They looked great, to a man, just great.
We all reconnected, marveled at times past and present situations.
We told them how we were a serious band now. This punk was a business afterall!

And then they just smiled and shook their heads as we proceeded to get blasted in front of them once again, and they’d wheel us to our rooms and tuck us in.
Just like ol times!

But the following year, a monumental event, they reunited to actually play at the Festival!!

On stage again!

I hear they were great, but I think we were in the circle bar when they played …..
We’ll catch ya next time though, promise!

St. Patrick’s Day with CH3

So.
A holiday that celebrates drunkeness and public urination?
The chance to revel in our Anglo roots, the closest thing we have to a Politically Correct KKK Rally in downtown Boston?
The chance to drink warm green beer in overcrowded bars that just happen to have Irish family names hanging out front?

And most importantly, the chance to later urintate in shocking hues of emerald, again, in a public place?

Count us in , Brother!

….we’ll be seeing you in the alley out back in 45 minutes, mate!

Ah, what is it about celebrating the Irish culture make us want to drink to blackout?

Oh, it starts off charming enough:
The tacky green decorations in the office, some playful pinches to the naughty co-workers who insist they’re wearing green underwear.

Let’s give it ’til quittin time, after that 3 hour lunch at Hennessy’s, and the office is now decorated in green vomit and discarded blouses.
A sexual harrasment lawsuit is already being faxed in to corporate HR.

Yes, it’s the luck of the Irish that we get the holiday that sends DUI arrests and spousal abuse reports into the triple digits!

Oh come on! ya tell me. It’s not all that bad, is it? Don’t we use this day to also celebrate the culture and food of the Isle?

The food ya say?
Corned beef, is that what you’re talking about?
—-the slut of the barnyard, just what is this hunk of cow, eh?

Usually appearing in the meat case around this time of year for a crazy low price, you’ll find it vacuum packed, swimming in a disgusting bath of goo and pickling spices.
The barcode grimy and faded, expiration date handily smudged indelible: This one looks like a winnner!

ick

Oh, I’m sure finer cuts of beef are available from a reputable butcher, but don’t bother.
After all, we’re talking about a meal that is meant to be eaten while you are drunk off your ass.

That’s why the long cooking time, dont ya see?
Throw this flesh in a pot, cover it with a Guinness and you’re free to sip away the afternoon.
You slip down to Main Street while the grisly meat boils down to stringy goodness. It’s the magic of the moist heat that does the handy magic whilst you battle the wobbling crowds at O’Malleys!

Ah geez…and the fuckin OC Register, for God Sake!…now all our Repubilcan friends are gonna know!

And the culture?
Oh man, where do we start?

Our fearless heroes, once legends of the bog and dell, are reduced to mere cartoon characters!

Brother Shane….lookin good!
Actually, this explains a lot. The charming yet goofy demeanor? Long term alcohol abuse on the brain stem!

I know, I know…….

I’m as guilty as any for being a sucker for The Dropkicks or Floggy M.
Once that mournful tin whistle kicks in, it’s all hugs and Jameson-flavored tears!

But hasn’t this whole punky-Irish bastardization been done to death?
I get the uneasy feeling that all these hipsters who learned to play the banjo will soon be losing the Brit driving caps, growing a beard, and moving to Brooklyn to join the next Mumford and Sons!

Jeesus fuckin Christ! Would ya plug in the damn instruments and get a shirt with a collar already??

The rivers turn green, the bars assign bouncers at the door at 6 a.m.
Secretaries leave work early to get drunk with their bosses, the shameful Friday-morning greetings and shared toothbrushes be damned!
The day has become a confusing mash of Mardi Gras and Halloween!

Chicago

I blame it all on the booze companies.
Like the master pimps at Hallmark, who’ve shamed a nation into showering Mom with meaningless crap and enduring those bland Black Angus brunches on Mother’s Day, the beer companies know exactly what they’re doing!

Drink up my friends! And soon ye be seein the lil people scurrying around yer bedroom naked!

But hell, pass up a weekday holiday that celebrates early drinking and fatty foods?
You mean, like a normal weekend trip with an aging punk rock band, hmmmm?
Not us!

North, outside Derry

Have you ever heard that old saw?
The one about professional drinkers leaving St Pats to the amateurs?
Yeah, those are the bitter old fucks that just hate to see their local dive get a little business for once.

A true drinker doesn’t give a shit what day it is.

So let’s celebrate this day with the masses, enjoy a few hardy rounds while wearing a blinking plastic shamrock weasled off the skank from Anheuser Busch.
Besides, those college kids get a little careless with the extra jello shot and the change from a twenty left on the bar, if ya catch my drift!

And yes, we’ll remember our ancestors, who came to this great land amidst starvation and poverty, and flourished anew by sweat and ingenuity.
For, after all—aren’t we all a wee bit Irish on this day?

But let’s have a little dignity out there, people!
We’re not going to be manipulated into drinking our selves sick in the name of heritage, now are we?

Until Cinco De Mayo, vatos!
Órale!

Coming up: Mexican for a day!
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Rodney on the Roq III

Goddamn, don’t you miss the old sleaze of Hollywood?

Oh it’s still there alright, if you look for it: In the shadows of those nasty little souvenir shops on Hollywood, in the faces of a few bored looking teen hustlers chewing their fingernails further up on Santa Monica.

But in the old days, ah!

Getting off the 101, ready for another night on the town, the electricity of the street palpable as the Coors tallboy sweating between your legs.

Pioneer Chicken, lit up like a circus by the knot of police cruisers in the parking lot.
One poor soul already bleeding through the sheet covering his face.

Glammed out prostitutes would just be pulling on their tops as they walked out of the Tropicana, ready to hook another one in and undress all over again.
The Pussycat Theatre, surrounded by some surprisingly clean 25 cent video arcades, where a hard earned quarter would get you 90 seconds of charming and unshaven porn.

Maybe a late night grilled cheese at Ben Frank’s?
All gone.

Gower Gulch, that Western themed meeting place for overworked pimps, stood across from Rodney’s Denny’s.
Disappeared as well.

A couple times, we got to sit down at the storied table with Rodney himself.
He didn’t have to order, of course, he just sat there as we chatted and the old waitresses would drop off a soft boiled egg, pat him on the shoulder.

I imagined him starting every day at this same spot. Comforting in a way, as well as sad.
But he was always there, just as he could always be found, could be counted on being there! on the radio those weekend nights.

Now Rodney played us, it seemed, at least once a night.
And the gigs steadily got bigger.

Interestingly enough, 30 years later and we're still middle billed!

When we were on those strange first tours, we were the ones who got to call in to Rodney now.
He’d put us on the air, and we would try to sound weary yet terribly exciting.

And though it was probably something rather unfantastic, a rainy night outside of Atlanta with a small crowd still glaring at us from some moldy VFW porch, Rodney would aways say alright and how it sounded amazing.

Like a Mother marvelling at her son’s pedestrian Thanksgiving cutout turkey, just a head of thumb and four stubby feathers, energizing words.
You hung up the phone, and imagined the folks back home going on with their evening, but briefly thinking of you.
And now it didnt seem so bad, being in this fuckin hick hole, and gave us the spirit to go back in there and put up with the abuse once again.

These were what cellphones used to look like, kids! Big, huh?
Writin home from the Miller factory tour. Milwaukee 1983

As with your favorite teacher from Jr High, the one you vowed to always stay in touch with, we inevitably lost contact with Rodney.
Through those gray 90’s, the years we all had to grow up, there was hardly a thought of the man who was still out there somewhere! telling the world who the next big thing should and would be.

But Rodney came back into view: Talk of him finally getting that star, and an honest to God feature film!


The movie was alright, I guess.
Full of Rodney’s brushes with the greats, it showed him standing always in the shadow—- just outside of the spotlight’s glowing arc.
Yeah, yeah I get it: It’s a little indie doc and they had to show what a sad little life it can be as well, is that it?

The big stars come on, one after another, to tell you what Rodney meant to them.
I don’t know.
Maybe the filmakers should’ve talked more to the fans, the kids listening to those stars whose breakthrough on Rodney’s show now dictated the size of their private jets, hmmm?

....insert Adams family joke here:
Gene owns this picture, stop looking at it!

It wasn’t until after we started working it again, you know, the great old school resurgence of 2001! that we finally met Maria Montoya, the voice of Make Me Feel Cheap.
It’s an old story, how we left the studio, Fear of Life in the can, and didn’t hear her emascualting answer vocals until Rodney actually played the track on the air Saturday!

Maria shuts me down once again!

Oh, we liked to complain about it: Man, that’s bullshit! No one told us!
But it was our biggest radio song, even got some daytime airplay.
Alright Posh, you win this one…….but we’re watching you!

Maria was still close to Rodney, and that’s really how we got the call in 2005:
Rodney was finally getting his star on the WALK OF FAME!

If you’ve ever been down that sticky stretch of land, and puzzled over the names under your sneakers, you know it can be a hollow recongnition at its worst.
I mean cmon! Ryan fuckin Seacrest?

But this time, yeah, they got it right.
You just knew that to Rodney, and what he loves and what he stands for, it would be a perfect fit, the only logical honor.

And it turned into a whole thing, ya know?

We even recorded a new track with Maria just for the occasion, this nifty update of Sonny and Cher’s It’s the Little Things:

Backstage at the Walk of fame show with Rodney and Maria
Rare photo of Pete Adict Dee in earth tones!

Rodney’s still out there, still doing it.
Buried now, Sundays at midnight.
Though really, does it even matter?

We’ve gotten used to our own shitty playlists now.
Isolated by ear buds, with the ability to scroll to the next mp3 at a flick of the fingertip, we await the next song to pop up after giving the the last track only 15 seconds:
Lab monkeys awaiting a peanut after pressing the green button on cue.

As our attention span shrinks, so too, correspondingly, goes our soul.

A recent rainy Sunday night I vowed to stay awake and catch up with Rodney, the number of Manhattans leisurely sipped onboard the California Sun be damned.

Must’ve nodded off during Scarface, but I jerk myself awake as that sweet theme song comes back through the radio, and Tony pushes an eighth ounce of cocaine into his nose with his forearm.
Rodney’s back on!

....this could be the night....!

Rodney comes on after the first block, says hello and tells us what’s in store for the night. It feels just like it used to, it is.
There’s no pause button, and damned if I know how to record off the radio.
Rodney is talking to me, right now, in the middle of a cold night.
He’s talking to every other lonely soul still up, can’t sleep, even after a long weekend.
Under his voice, we are a community again.

Rodney plays a few tracks, takes a call from London, and, swear to God, bless his heart!—-plays You Make Me Feel Cheap!

And a fifty year old man gets up off the couch and raises his hands over head.
With only a snoring dog and a bleeding Al Pacino as witness, he smiles and laughs.

They’re playing my song on the radio!

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Rodney on the Roq II

“Will you stop it? Please. Fuckin Duane—–
We’re sitting at the worn dining table in Kimm’s house, or the drinking table as we referred to it.
Hand painted, classic French farmhouse in design, this piece of furniture becomes something else altogether when we gather in the room:
This table becomes as dangerous as a vehicle or weapon.

Kimm and I, we’re holding down opposite ends of the table like Mom and Pop.
Chris sits to my right, arranging the pyramid of mismatched beer cans he has constructed on the table: A centerpiece dedicated to the various Korean liquor stores around town that would sell their meager stock of beer to us kids, no questions asked.

Duane, sitting on the bench next to Chris, battling the same wicked head cold for a month, has spent the last 2 minutes blowing his nose into his bare hands.

We watch him honk again into his fist, examine the charge, then wipe his hands casually into his levis.

“Disgusting,” Chris says.
He adjusts his pile of beers once again, so all the Olde English labels on the bottom row face Southwest. He completes a moat of Lucky Lager bottle caps around the structure, the ones that used to have the picture riddles printed on bottom.
“You are a disgusting pig, Skanker.”
“So?” says Duane. “So don’t look, fag!”

Chris and Duane during healthier times.

Kimm’s parents, semi-retired and probably burnt out from raising Kimm’s four elder siblings, have left for vacation once again.
As they embarked on the leisurely travels of the recently retired, we inherited a fine Cerritos tract home that Kimm somehow managed to invite us into, kick us out of, and keep impressively clean.

Sitting there with the chums, maybe Tbone and Hetzel, the DC Boys! smoking out back. There was no better way to start a Saturday evening in the Summer, the day holding stubbornly onto its last light, Cerritos finally exhaling the heat it had sucked into its ribbons of cement the whole scorching day.

And we’re gathered there, in the shadow of this beer castle, to expound on the affairs of the day, get steadily blasted and yes–listen to Rodney.

Can you imagine it now? Five or six knuckleheads getting together on a Saturday night, to sit around a table, not a girl in sight, just to listen to the radio?

“You’re the fag, Skanker. Yes, a dick smoker.”
“You are.” Duane grins that gap tooth grin and pauses. “You’re a …..cock…jumper,” Duane says.
Cock jumper? Cock jumper, what the hell does that even mean?”

Now Larry walks in carrying a six of Mickey’s Big Mouth and a Naugles bag.
We look hopefully at the bag, but Larry squashes it and burps.
The bastard’s been eating in the car.

“Blob. Gentlemen. Good evening?”
Kimm: “What, you just walk in? Do you knock?”
Chris: “Duane just called you a cockjumper, Larry. What do you think of that, hmm?”
Duane: Fag!
“Wrong, ” says Larry. “Very incorrect.”
Oh, it was the Algonquin round table alright.

“Shut up , Rodney’s on, shut the fuck up!”

We all actually look toward the speaker, and here comes that chiming theme song. Rodney is back on the air for a Saturday night…..
And we might hear our song on the radio tonight!

Just 3 days earlier, we had first met with Robbie Fields: Posh Boy.

I'm gonna make you a star, kid! Have I told ya how sharp you guys look in red?

After presenting us with the contract, one of the first things we asked is if he could possibly get us played on Rodney’s show.
The hell with the record, we wanted to be on the radio!

I think the Hated had actually got a track off their demo played on Rodney a month earlier, and we simmered with envy.
We weren’t scheduled to go into the studio to record the black and white ep til the next weekend, but that day Robbie had called and casually mentioned that Rodney might be giving the demo tape a spin on the show!

Because that’s how Rodney’s show went: You might hear a Bowie track, followed by a Black Flag song, and then a phone call from someone on the road. And then Rodney would come back and announce that a cool looking band had just dropped off a tape at the back door of the KROQ studio.
And then , note unheard, he’d proceed to play it!

So we listened closely, knowing Rodney had no problem playing a rough demo.
That Robbie had some close dealings with Rodney—well, that probably didn’t hurt either!

Robbie and Rodney

Because it wasn’t just the radio show, no.
There was that first glorious compilation on Posh Boy:


ROTR, Volume I—has there been a better comp album since??
Oh, I know the hardcore crowd whine, it’s a little too new wave, and what the hell is with Brooke Shields doing the intro??, blah, blah….

But by God, those first three tracks! Three frenzied classics, back to back, no breathing room here, brother!
Agent Orange’s Bloodstains, followed by the real version of Adolescents’ Amoeba, and then The Circle Jerks finish ya off with Wild in the Streets!

We played the hell out of that record; it became a soundtrack to a season.
And later, though unimaginable, we’d get a track in just under the wire to appear on Volume II:

.....did I not tell you to clean up this room, missy? Yer grounded!

And jaded old punkers by 1983, yeah, I guess we’ll be on Volume III—but you owe us!

Guess who's up at the blackboard, hmmm?

But for now, sitting here in a Cerritos living room among friends, just the small chance that we might hear one of our songs on the radio was enough.

Duane sneezes again, this time deliberately turning to moisten Chris’ ear.
“Goddamn you!” Chris slaps Duane on the back of the head.
Duane cackles, jumps up and goes out back to bum a smoke off Tbone.

Chris just shakes his head and puts another Schaffer Light can on top of his structure, holds it in place for a moment as the tower adjusts to its new impressive height.

I look across the table, raise an eyebrow to Kimm. He shrugs.
It’s been 90 minutes into the show, nothing yet. As a Saccharine Trust song ends, now Rodney serves up Sloop John B.

A garage band, you get use to disappointments: The party got cancelled, the drummer doesn’t feel like practicing tonight, the bass player’s girlfriend is on the rag.

So we don’t get on the radio tonight, so what? We crack open a goddamn Meisterbrau and toast another night.
Rodney has brought us all together again. And though the night is long from over, and we may all go our own separate ways in search of fast food, drugs, or easy girls who promised to leave the kitchen window unlocked, we started it off together.

But then…..wha? Turn it up, shut up! turn it up! we hear the familiar throbbing bass line, that’s Larry’s fingers playing back and forth over the Fat E string of a telecaster bass! It’s our song!!!

We all shout once and then go silent, we almost hold our breaths as we listen to our song being played over a commercial Los Angeles radio station.

And when it ends, Rodney comes back on, says alright, mentions that we are the latest signing for Posh Boy. It goes to commercial.

“Whoa, did you–that was us! Mother fucker!!!” Kimm raises hands over head,does the happy Snoopy dance. We all yell, laugh, yell again.
I notice that we’re all on our feet now, and we stand over the drinking table, warm beers in hand, too excited to sit.

Kids, just boys, we’re not about to hug each other. And I doubt the high five has been invented yet.
Rodney starts to say goodbye for the night, and as if on cue, we all dive for the pile of beer cans in the middle of the table.

Beer cans go flying, and Rodney’s voice is drowned out by the hollow aluminum rattle.
A sound full of chaos and hope, like noisemakers on New Years’ Eve:
Midnight.

Click to join us at the drinking table, 1980. The demo version of Manzanar:

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Rodney on the Roq I

Ah, the mid nineties.
Has there ever been a more vital period for American Cinema?

Oh, you can keep all those bullshit renegade movies of the late 60’s into the 70’s, when the supposedly young outlaws finally took over Hollywood.

Bonnie and Clyde? Easy Rider?
The Last Detail? meh.

How about some real classics from just 15 years ago, hmmm?
Oh gee, the hits make the mind reel!



......hey, Tarantino--Thanks a lot for reviving this hack's career!

But when I’m sittin there, mindlessly letting the DirecTV guide scroll down the LCD widescreen on an endless loop, I always stop whenever this little gem pops up on VH1’s Movies That Rock! series…..

Forest Gump meets Phil Spector...hijinks ensue!

Alright then, ya fuckin film students, so shoot me for enjoying a little mindless fluff, ok?
We’ll get back to watching Warhol’s Sleep at the Nuart next week, hipsters, but for now let’s venture back to the innocent days of pop music:

Where the musicians are badly acted men-children, the suits are sharp and crisp.
An as-of-yet unbloated Liv Tyler actually looks pretty good, and we weren’t dreading the day we’ll inevitably hear of a Mackenzie/John Phillips type scandal pop up concerning her game show host father!

Forensic artists have come up with this projection of Rachel Ray at age 84

Besides, this baby was filmed right there in the Orange Circle!
See? I always told ya downtown Orange was good for more than just Labor Day food fairs and late night Nazi rallies!

Anyway, I’ll sit through most of the dreadful dialogue and those goddamn Sarah McLachlan starving poodle commercials just for one scene:

It’s the one where our kids first hear their song played on the radio!

I’m tellin you, Hanks got it right with this scene.
I mean, the joy of hearing your own song on the radio…..well.

And though I don’t recall me or Kimm jumping around the appliance store or kissing any cardboard cutouts, it is a sweet memory, that first time one of our songs came out of that box!

And no, I’m not talking about yer XM/Sirius or even a College station, or for fucksake!, Pandora….. no.
We got to hear our song played on an actual radio station, like, you know…..radio!

......what now..? Did that man just sing fuck on the radio, Mother?

When I talk about The old Rodney on the Roq show, and what it meant to us all back in the early 80’s, a lot of kids cock their heads, the dullard’s tell, and shrug:

KROQ?
Ya mean the radio station, the one that plays Enter Sandman and old Guns and Roses every goddam hour?
The one all the Bros listen to? That piece of shit?!

Ah, but it was different back then, see.
Kroq was actually a pretty great station back in the early 80’s, a place where Richard Blade would give ya your fix of Duran Duran and Culture Club, and they would actually play the odd Adolescents or Vandals song during the day as well!

But it was on Saturday and Sunday nights, brother, that’s when the airwaves were speaking just to us!

Rodney Bingenheimer: Man about town, bon vivant fixture of the LA scene for a million years, subject of a fairly recent and melancholy documentary.
The spiky little chap of Zelig-like appearnces at the elbow of whatever Rock God happened to be passing through LA.

He had his own club, probably banged groupies and runaways, (not to mention Runaways), by the dozen……

Goddamn, what would it’ve been like to rock the Sunset Strip back in those days, eh?

Ah geez, I'm hungry for a Quaalude now. Anyone else?

With his affinity for the pure pop that speaks only to the teenage heart, and not the corporate dreck of the day, you could imagine how Punk Rock appealed to Rodney.
Here was a new music, raw enough to harbor a tiny, fierce tribe—- yet explosive enough to inspire a generation.

And though he hardly had a voice that made you think–hey! this cat belongs on the radio!!–you really just can’t think of anyone else doing such a show.

Rodney would come on the air to the strains of MFQ’s Phil Spector-produced This Could be the Night, but that dreamy song would end, you were often given a crazy jolt:

The Weasels’ Beat Her With a Rake!
Or maybe even a test pressing of Motley Crue’s Live Wire…….

Whoo!—and we’d be all, crack the Lucky Lager boys, ’cause the night just started!

The pre-Elektra pre-suckage days...

And that’s when radio could truly come to life in a way that connected all of us drunken brats, from the Valley to the tip of Orange County.

You couldn’t believe you were hearing this on the radio, the vitality and truth, guitars out of tune and singers shouting, the joy crackling.
And then Rodney would come back in with a friendly alright or Amazing! and you could only smile and nod in agreement.

Rodney in the studio with Penelope from Avengers

I always think of those interviews with rock pioneers that namecheck the Grand Ol Opry show back in the day.
They would huddle close to the speaker and listen to the stars of country music broadcast across a ridiculously expansive territory.

Again and again, these old hicks would wax poetic about being alone in their bedroom, often on a dusty acre of farmland, with only the icy stars and the sound of Hank Williams to see them through the night.

But there, in the darkness, they were connected to a world bigger than their own and granted the hope of someday seeing it.

Or hell—they could wish, couldn’t they?—-maybe even being on the other side of that speaker, and making the music themselves.

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Our Last Gig: The Empty Room

One more time, we dye out the gray and trim the nose hairs, and steel ourselves for another goddamn year in the trenches.

A good 18 pounds overweight from the Holiday parties and Turducken leftovers, we slowly get back into fighting shape for 2011 with a quick jaunt North to start things off.

It’s a new destination this time, Central CA, with a Friday stop in Santa Maria, a quick jaunt up to Atascadero Sat and home in time for the Superbowl Sunday.

Or should we say, home for half time, just in time to see the fuckin’ Black Eyed Peas do their aerobics routine and poor ol Slash destroy every last molecue of rocker credliblity he had left!

Ummm, ok. And you say Axl is the one that's out of touch?

The weekend starts off in the usual way: late start on Friday, squeezing through the horrendous traffic of Friday-Lite L.A., then finally breaching the burnt hills of Calabasas to get that glorious view of the Pacific heading North.

A quick stop off in Ventura for a piss and gas, late lunch at Dargan’s Pub, and a quick Pabst at San Souci.

Looking South over the grilled eggplant sandwich mountains...

We press on to the greater Santa Maria area, home of that dry rub BBQ and meth lab explosions.
We check in at O’Sullivan’s Pub and then adjourn to BBQ Land, to sample the local delicacies.

I mean, c’mon! It’s called BBQ Land, people!


A quick and fun bar set with the good folks at O’Sullivans, and then we bunker in owner Josh’s back office for shots of whiskey and reminiscences of Clash concerts past.
Josh, gracious bastard that he is, allows us to leave with the bottle in hand.
Class Act!

Alf with our new mascot

...and these are the import restrooms too, not the later CBS release!

Trading Strummer stories in the back office of O'Sullivans.

Late night, and luckily there is a Jack in the Box open just across from the Santa Maria Inn, and a leisurely taco and cocktail session in Alf’s room brings the night to a close.

Yes, you heard us. That's 32 mystery meat tacos and one diet Pepsi. Four straws!

The BBQ, the fast food shit tacos, the Irish Whiskey and cheap beer: I have a strange dream that night.
Oh, you know the one, the one where a giant Pirate Hat chases you around a cheap soundstage as Charles Nelson Reily cackles his maniacal and somehow pedophilic laugh.

I wake up to find Kimm has left the TV on all night on the local PBS, which starts its Saturdays with a Sid and Marty Krofft Productions marathon.

Childhood bad acid trip revisited

I chew a cold leftover taco while reflecting on the wild improbability of a world ruled by hats or a giant lizard that talks with the white trash drawl of Andy Griffith.
Clearly, these people were on drugs. Good Ones.

C'mon yall--take a gander at these boots I stole off Lemmy!

We load in and continue grazing up the coast, as if we were cannibalistic bovines.
First stop at Jocko’s Steaks in Nipomo on the advice of the locals.

Despite the grammatical nightmare we encountered, we did, in fact, proceed to enter and monkey round!

Oh cartoon cow, we can't wait to eviscerate you and eat your flesh!

Anthony’s Steak sandwich is the star of this table, and at 12 bucks we proceed to order 8 more to go. Something to gnaw on in the car, keep the kids quiet, don’t ya know!

Well, yes, there are two pieces of bread on the plate, so we can safely call this a sandwich.

We make the mandatory stop at the Madonna Inn, solely for the privilege of pissing on a wall length waterfall.

Healthy stream of urine brought to you by 24 ounce cans of Pabst.

We emerge from the bathroom to find Ant has ordered champagne cocktails for us, and we drink the fruity drinks in the gaudy frills of the main dining room.

Bleh. All this fluff is giving me a headache...a fabulous headache!

Though we don’t quite start prancing about or sucking each other’s cocks, this place has definitely put us in touch with our feminine side.
It is time to get out of here.

Morro Bay, that charming rascal of the central coast, calls to us with its beautiful vistas and dive bars. We discover a giant land mass right off the beach, which Alf promptly names Morro Rock–clever boy!
We while away the afternoon at the Buoy Tavern, watching as the locals wager themselves into a frenzy for tomorrow’s game.


The Mayor of Morro Bay hovers dangerously close to our pitcher of Firestone, empty glass in hand!

The gig is at The Armory in Atascadero, an actual block of concrete on the National Guard Base.
We pull up with that old anticipation of a road gig, wondering what kind of crowd will be here, how long we’ll be signing autographs afterwards, those darn kids!

We first suspect something is off when we pull into the driveway and there’s, oh, 9 cars parked there.

Heh–right, this is an all ages gig, after all.
Lots of kids get dropped off by Mom, right?

But then we pull open the heavy gymnasium doors and take a look inside:

....as we grow older, we really appreciate these floor level stages! No stairs!

I am not exaggerating when I say there are 20 people in a room that would comfortably hold 1200.
We wordlessly go back out to the car and crack a beer, pass around the bottle of Jame-0 that we have thankfully threw in a guitar case.

How can this be? I mean, we’re goddamn Icons, are we not?

We ponder the possible reasons for the small turnout:
The economy, man, that’s gotta be it!
Lucero is playing across the way in SLO, and that’s where the cool kids went to play.
It is Superbowl weekend after all, alright? Am I right?

And then, inevitably, we raise the question that’s been on all our minds from the start.

Can these kids up here have possibly heard how much we actually suck????

The view from behind the microphone. Still want to be in a traveling band kid?

Nah, gotta shake off those thoughts, the show will go on!
So I’ll tell you about playing to empty rooms kids, and ya better listen up to Uncle Mike, because I am considered somewhat the expert in this field!

Oh, we’ve been all over the place and played to the dreaded empty room ya see—a rainy Monday in Gary Indiana, where the crowd was so small we passed round a half pint of Jack–and it made 4 complete rounds of the room before it was empty!
Or that cinderblock beer bar in Lincoln Nebraska, where only the bartender and a lone blind bouncer suffered through our full concert set.

All bands have a story about playing to the empty room, though it’s usually kept quiet, don’t ya know.

But here’s the thing about playing to a sparse crowd–it’s often a great gig, and that’s not bullshit.
For one thing, though both you and the crowd seem to be embarrassed about being there, you have to soldier on.

They can’t very well leave til you played, and we can’t sneak out the back and head for Denny’s—- we’re all trapped!!

And so they come up to you several times in the evening to apologize for their lame scene. You shrug to the promoter at the door, who has started drinking heavily and calling his Dad for a quick loan to cover the guarantee.
On this night, you make friends.

And so we strap on the guitars and go out there, and when they cut off the intro music the room is suddenly, shockingly quiet.
Somewhere out there in the darkness, someone lets out a timid Whoo!, and the ice is broken: we laugh together.

There is no more separation of band and crowd in empty room, it’s just a bunch of people standing together to hear music, even the ones that are supposed to be playing it.
Between songs, I convince the handful of people to gather together for a picture, plead with them to make it look like they are packed together and having a good time!

Come on now, it looks like a good crowd from this shot, eh?!

We somehow play better, as everyone is focused, and the tiny crowd, well, god bless em, they start an honest to God circle pit:
3 guys and one brave girl, dancing in a tight circle in front of us, in the middle of an empty gym in the middle of this State.

By the end of the set we are laughing and joking back and forth, we’ve already memorized everyone’s names.
We end the set and there is no stage or backstage, we simply put down the guitars and start shaking hands.
We sell every last one of the shirts we brought along, cheap! and head back to the motel with smiles on our faces.

Another one for the books.

The ghosts of a Saturday night

Scarpati

An excerpt from the upcoming book Cramp, Slash, & Burn: “When Punk and Glam were Twins”
by John Scarpati.

Ya know, it was funny at the time.
You’d be there, oh, say 1:40 a.m. at the Cathay De Grande sippin a cocktail.
Lost in your thoughts, you look around only to see what madman is behind the turntables in the DJ booth this time, who thinks playing Bob Seger at 45rpm is such a grand idea at 105 decibels.

That’s when your eyes fall on a familiar face.
The visage the same, but now the hair is longer and bigger, the clothes more stylishly rumpled.

And is that goddamn mascara you got on? Dude!

But you’re hardly one to talk, as you adjust dear departed Aunt Babe’s ermine shawl about your shoulders, so it sits just so.

It was the mid 80’s, and it seemed as though the baldy punker team was losing yet another solider to the trash team every day.

...when the Circle Jerks grow their hair out you definitely know something's up!

Our generation of punk rockers, we were the brats of the 70’s, just reaching drinking age in those early 80’s.
Our shared soundtrack of youth consisted of Kiss and Bowie, Cheap Trick and Black Sabbath.

There was trashy pop floating from tinny am radio stations, the background to our earliest memories:
Endless 8 track loops of Frampton Comes Alive in the back of Mom’s station wagon, and the heavy stoner rock absorbed through the thin drywall separating us from our older brothers’ smoky rooms.

We were forever subjected to someone else’s music, it seemed.
And then –finally—punk rock.

All these things were mixed together, our heads vodka-powered cuisinarts, and somehow we all arrived at a similar place.
And that place might as well be John Scarpati’s photo studio, ground Zero for the trashglam movement.

It was there that we were coaxed to tease the hair a little higher, pout a little more, and let our glam flags fly!

I know other bands made a similar transformation, it’s all there in the photos after all.
And I imagine there’s a lot of bands that are cringing at the thought of Scarpati finally scanning those photos, setting them free into the wilds of the internet.

Oh, I suppose we could be embarassed as well and try to hide from these shocking and somehow feline images of debauchery.
But let’s be honest here, shall we?

We had a fucking blast back then!

Scrappy Enigma Records seemed to be welcoming every burnt out punk band in town, and they encouraged us to stretch out beyond the hardcore boundaries we’d always had to obey.

So you meet Bill and Wes, you go into the studio with Ron Goudie, you get invited to a couple actual industry Christmas parties and boom!–there you are in Scarpati’s studio, can of Aqua Net pink in one hand and a sweating highball in the other.

I suppose it was a time when, as children all of 23 years old, we were already jaded veterans of show business.
Through the wringer of booking and promoting, being ripped off by promoters and doormen all over again, it was if we suddenly thought—hell, why not?

Why not us to be the next ones, to get a major label deal and ride these dark streets in a limosine instead of a ’79 Jetta with a broken tailight.
We spent 5 nights out of 7 in Hollywood, and it seemed as though fame was maddeningly possible, yet just out of reach: palpable and elusive as an aroma.

And so we tottered along the Strip in our cowboy boots, wearing scarves and earrings that would make Liza Minelli blush, passing out flyers and getting smashed.

Leaving our beloved Firefly on a damp night, we’d stumble over to Hollywood Blvd and make a right, vaguely in the direction of the Frolic Room.

Walking on Stars, each of us silently going over the speeches we’d one day make, on hands and knees, in front of our own granite pentagram.

And the streetlights overhead, they hummed their own song as they cast their harsh sodium glare at the forgotten celebrities underneath our feet.
You squinted up at them through the mist and they glowed amber, like spotlights pointed center stage.

You and Your Blog’s Health…….

Last week we received an email from the fine folks over at WordPress, who apparently host this blog you are currently reading.

I thought we’d finally gone too far with our recent entry on the subtle differences between Japanese and German scat fetishes and had our masthead revoked!

But no.

Filled with strange statistics and bizarre terms, it was a report of this Blog’s status for 2010.
Now, we try not to get too involved in the logistics of this whole webby/intranet thingy–afterall, we saw The Matrix too, brother!

You see, we simply paid a Cambodian exchange student to set all this up online and started typing.
But it seems as though there are people that pay attention to these doings on the web, and no, I don’t mean the federal agents that take note every time you log onto this site.
*(Sorry about all that Anarchyboy13 @ gmail. Your court case is going along nicely though I see!)

These geeks actually keep track of how many times people look in on us, how they got here, what kind of cars they drive, if their fillings are silver or porcelain, blah blah…..

I know, right? Who gives a fuck.
But they went to all the trouble of sending out this report, so let’s take a look, shall we?


YOUR 2010 BLOG REVIEW

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Heh. Did you read that motherfuckers?
The Blog-Health-o-Meter reads “Wow.”

Now, I don’t know exactly what the hell a Blog-Health-o-Meter actually is, though I imagine it looks comparable to a sigmoidoscope complete with a tiny colon probe….

Hmmm.....I see your RSS feed subscriptions are low this quarter....

I’ll take it.

We can’t go arguing with the ol’ Blog-Health-o-Meter, now can we?
Ok, let’s Keep Reading:

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

The average container ship can carry about 4,500 containers. This blog was viewed about 19,000 times in 2010. If each view were a shipping container, your blog would have filled about 4 fully loaded ships.

In 2010, there were 34 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 83 posts. There were 779 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 250mb. That’s about 2 pictures per day.

The busiest day of the year was June 3rd with 185 views. The most popular post that day was To Rebellion: Travel Day to Blackpool.

Whoa.
Nineteen Thousand views for the past year?!

And not one of you bastards can buy a T-shirt from the website? Huh?

I was just as shocked as you, people.
Oh sure, we get a couple of comments written in now and then, but most of the responses are spam from Russian beastiality porn sites.
And Alf’s creditcard is still screwed up from that!

But jeezus!-at 19,000 views, we could start selling some advertising space on this page, get a little scratch going!

Oh, don’t whine you goddamn hippies. It’s nothing we’ve decided on just yet.
But in the meantime, let’s take a little break here and enjoy a word from one of our fine and tasteful sponsors:

Gold Bond. The #1 Anti-Itch cream of aging punkers!

And we’re back!
That wasn’t so bad, now was it?

The report goes on to tell us where you good readers came from.
I was excited about this, as I thought they could actually tell us the locations that people were logging on from.
You know, corporate offices, public libraries, soup kitchens…….

But turns out they just keep track of the other sites that refer people to us?
Is that how this thing works?

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were chthree.com, facebook.com, mail.yahoo.com, myspace.com, and twitter.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for true blood, iron maiden eddie, john waters, larry walters, and eddie iron maiden.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

To Rebellion: Travel Day to Blackpool August 2009
1 comment

2

San Diego III December 2009
3 comments

3

The CH3 Eye on TV: True Blood September 2009
2 comments

4

Larry Walters June 2009

5

The Channel 3 Movie Coming to a Theatre Next Summer! July 2009
1 comment

WTF?

You mean to tell me the most popular posts were written back in 2009??

There is a post on there, the one about San Diego, that got thousands of hits.
And why?
Because it contained one picture of Eddie from Iron Maiden!!!

Oh, so that’s how it is?
You people didn’t come here to learn about the heroic adventures of a punk band on its feeble yet cheerful last legs, eh?

No, you are here solely because you typed Iron Maiden or True Blood into Google and *poof!* you end up on a site looking at pictures of food and drunken punk rockers?
And then you exit as fast as possible, wondering what the hell kind of virus is gonna pop up now…..oh yeah—we see you!

So I suppose we could just load this page up with a bunch of gossipy drivel and random images and the count would skyrocket, is that it?

Well, we have a little too much integrity for that.
We’re old school punk rockers after all, and I’d like to think we still have our old values intact.

Good day Sir!

In the meantime, here’s a picture of a topless Megan Fox with her tongue sticking out.

Related Tags: Megan Fox, Tongue, Fox's Tongue, Megan tongue, Please Read My Blog

Ka-ching!

The Punker Looks at Fifty……..


I’ve been to Vegas perhaps three hundred times. Sometimes I fly, sometimes I drive.

Lots of times with the band, when we take a leisurely 8 hours to make the drive. Stopping to piss every goddamn 20 minutes, until we could either coordinate our bladders or resort to peeing in Gatorade bottles that would inevitably end up weeping on the van carpet by dawn.

Quick jaunts on JetBlue, Long Beach to Vegas, eighteen hour turnarounds that left mortgage payment late and nerves shattered.

One memorable weekend I took the five dollar Imperial Palace bus from Leisure World with a group of depraved senior gamblers.

I sat in the back seat of that moaning diesel, nursing a pint of Maker’s.
I watched the scorched landscape scroll past the windows, ignored the audacious farts and gasping snores of a dozen living corpses.

As I vowed to never get old, I also scanned the cruel landscape and wondered what it would be like to be out there: Free and flying, skipping over sand and stone on the only tool suitable……a motorcycle!

Oh sure, I had a little history with off road.
A little Saturday Saddleback, a few CMC Sundays.
*

Ancient history....

But it was 1979 that I sold my last dirt bike, and only to buy that P.A. system that would signal my shifting alliance: from racer to punk.

Yes, that is two shock absorbers on the back, ya fuckin whippersnappers!

After a few beer soaked conversations with pals, hazy plans are made to do something momentous for the big five-oh……..
Ya know, I usually hit Vegas for my birthday, the wretched Thanksgiving weekend traffic be damned.

But this year–ah—we’ll get there a different way!

And that is how, years and years after I had last ridden a dirtbike—- and my vow to never age broken—–I stand before a frozen fountain at a Barstow motel, preparing to ride across the desert.

It’s 5:30 am, it is 22 degrees.

Today I turn fifty!

OK, now imagine our testicles .......
A heroic pose before taking to the dust!

Heh. What better way to fend off the middle age crisis than a quick jaunt through the desert, yeh?

Besides, what would ya have me do? Buy a fuckin Corvette? Go lez and adopt a Chinese orphan?
Pffft–been there, done that!

Starting chute
Baptizing the Desert! We take off at 6:30 on ancient air cooled Honda XR's.
Chris has come down from Oregon for the ride, my brother John shows us the way.

Oh, I knew fifty was lurking in the shadows, alright. The stray gray pube, the strange skin tag that appears left of nipple.

But things change ever quicker as forty grows long.

I roll out of bed some mornings, groaning even before feet hit the floor. Strange aches, the payment for the youthful nights of ridiculous stunts now due.

Joints crack and pop.
Some gray Monday mornings, it sounds like a sad child playing with the bubble wrap on Chritmas afternoon: The gifts have all been opened, the toys already destroyed.


We take off toward Baker, and it's fuckin cold but beautiful.
It starts to come back: The dirt again beneath the knobbies, the familiar feel of balancing on pegs as you hold the bars lightly as holding a wounded bird.

But I’m not one to piss and moan about the loss of youth.
Hell, I feel sorry for the kids today, goddamnit!

Will they ever know the joys of blatant alcohol abuse and irresponsible sex?
To make an ass of yourself on Friday night, without a cellphone camera or Facebook account as unblinking witness?
No, I cherish the idea of being the grumpy old fuck.

Now get the hell off my lawn!!

Checkpoint at Sandy Valley. Bikes are hosed off to prevent the spread of alien fauna to the next environment. The Bikes get a shower. The riders? Hah!

Burgers and dogs in the warmth of a school gym. The finest lunch in town.

Dirty and tired, yet light of soul!

The miles slip underneath us, and the resigned moan of the big bore four strokes become the soundtrack to this film.
I think of days past, the regrets and triumphs.
Will this be the year I hang it all up?

What does the senior punker have to write his angry manifesto about anyway? High prescription prices? Loud commercials?

OK, here’s a new song for you: First you Goddamn Kids Wear Your Trousers Too Low, Now They’re Too Tight!!! What’s up With That??

Leaving Red Rock Canyon, it's all road now.....
A final jaunt through town!

The day darkens and it is cold again. The lights of the city glow on the horizon now, and it won’t be much longer.
Soon we’ll be sitting in a casino, our adventure behind us.
Feeding credits into video poker machines at a leisurely rate, just playing enough to get four free beers out of a ten dollar play.

And there I’ll be: like any other 50 year old geezer drinking on the cheap, telling corny old jokes to the jaded bartender.

The pot at the end of the rainbow!

But there’s still a few miles to go, and we’ve made it through the day without any breakdowns or drama. A couple minor falls.

We get off the highway and ride down Flamingo toward the Orleans.
At stoplights, kids stare at us from the backseats of minivans.

We’re dusty as cowboys, dressed like superheroes.

And though they don’t know the greying hair hidden by these helmets, the prescription lenses in these goggles, they still laugh and clap when we give them the thumbs up and pull a meager wheelie at the green.

For all they know, we could be young.

Blue Christmas

News item: Denver Channel 7 News:
DENVER — An atheist group is planning to put three billboards up near the nativity scene at Denver’s City and County Building.
“There should not be a government supported religion. And that’s exactly what this is,” said Marvin Straus, a Boulder-area atheist.
The signs will say, “Stop government support of religion, move this Denver nativity scene to a church.”

Wha tha Fa?
Oh come on now! Are we gonna let some goddamn correctist wackjobs put a stop to our traditional Christmas?

If yer like me, nothing says Christmas is comin like some Chinese made figurines, hand detailed with lead paint by a 8 year old slave, set on some asbestos straw and displayed on your dangerously overheated Korean cd changer. It’s tradition, am I right?

Alright, so maybe the religious hayride is a little too much for you hipsters. But work with me people!

We gotta protect what we know: Christmas as that wacky tacky time of year, when we can relax and enjoy the traditional rituals we’ve known since childhood.

Christmas is the time to start drinking at an inappropriate hour.
To gorge yourself on fatty snacks, leer at the women in the room and tell your superiors exactly what their fuckin problem is!

In other words, Christmas is the time when all of you can act like we here at CH3 do all year long!!

I gotta gun, man....urp...I gotta puke!

And goddamn it, if we’re not careful we’re gonna end up with some politically correct government holiday where there’s no mention of Jesus, no Christmas trees allowed at City Hall, and worst of all!—no booze allowed at the company party!!

No.
This will not do.

I want Christmas…..I want My Christmas!!
I want the Christmas that we all share, formed by too many nights sitting too close to the tv set, breathing in the toxic fumes of a garishly flocked aluminum tree.

I want Christmas to usher in the cheesy old claymation Specials on CBS, where Heat Miser and Snow Miser do a soft shuffle with baby Jesus!

King of Kings! Enjoy it now, before the Jews get hold of ya!!

And the commercials of our youth? Where’d they go?

When I see Santa comin, he’d better damn well be comin down the slopes on the three floating heads of the Norelco Shavemaster, brother!!!

Weee! Next we're gonna shave someone's balls!

I want the Charlie Brown Special, where he goes and buys the worst tree in the world after he and Pigpen burn a Purple Kush fattie behind the gym!

I want the Goddamn Grinch, and not fuckin Jim Carrey either!
I want the cartoon guy, who gives back all the toys, after he and Max pull the all nighter in the meth lab.
Yeah, we know what’s up with those choppers bub!

...who's got a vcr they need fixed?!

And Rudolph!

Oh gee, remember that one? Where he saves the day with his acne, and wasn’t there a gay dentist in there too? What was that about?
And the abominable snowman?!

This shit is just flooding back to me!
And remember when the CocaCola Bear eats Rudolph in the end??
Good Times…..

*burp* That reindeer is a little gamy, no?

So it was with the holiday spirit in mind that we showed up at The Laundry Room to record a track for the elves over at
Blackhole Records for their newest Holiday platter, Cashing in on Christmas VolII!!!!!

Santa looks pretty pervy without his mustache, eh?

And though it is on a balmy 98 degree October evening that we watch Alfie hump the gear in, in our souls it is the middle of Winter Solstice:
Virtual eggnog courses through our veins and the faint ringing in our ears– normally the pesky onset of tinnitus—-
today those distant chimes are sleighbells!!

Load that shit in Vato! I'm feelin productive!


As usual, when we report to the studio we bring along the black velvet Elvis along for good vibes.
Fun Fact: If you look closely, you will see his teardrop has slowly gotten longer over the years.

Do not question this magic---just accept!

Late in the evening, when energy sags and the take count mounts, we put our boy with Uly’s collection—behold the power!!

And fitting it is, for what holiday gem have we chose for this project?
Blue Christmas!!!!!

Yeh, you got it brother, we tackled a mountain this time!!

Oh ho, clever, clever boys! While everyone else chose more traditional carols and comtemporary classics to defile, yer pals here decided to cover the King’s classic.
I mean, who else would think to attempt such a thing???

Heh….turns out there’s a goddamn internet radio station dedicated to nothing but versions of the song!
Seriously:

Revenge of Blue Christmas!

Whatever.
We pulled off a nice take with this one….respectful but rocking, just the thing to kick off the ol’ Christmas cheer, eh?

So friends, I want you to put on the slippers and the ugliest sweater you have.
Light a candle and break out the fudge.
Give the kids a double dose of Benadryl and put em to bed at 7pm!

It’s time to pour a tall one and ring in the holiday season with yer ol buddies at the CH3 manger:

God Bless us Everyone!