The long days journey into night into day into night………..

Really? Is there some fucking unwritten rule where they put the guy who leans all the way back in front of me?

Virgin Airlines non stop LAX to London, and yeah, spent some miles to upgrade to Premium—-but I might as well ship myself to Heathrow in a goddamn refrigerator box when the 5’3″ man in front of me decides a trans-Atlantic flight would be a good time to torture my kneecaps!!!

...please sit back and enjoy the 10 hour flight in front of us and...gaaaa!  My fucking legs are numb!!!!!
...please sit back and enjoy the short ten hour flight and...gaaaa! My fucking legs are numb!!!!!

Oh, look at him—he’s bouncing back and forth in his Premium Class leather heaven like a goddamn monkey. It truly would not surprise me if I started feeling the tell-tale masturbatory rhythms of primal satisfaction coming from seat 35C!!!

What the is this all about? Do you short gimps really feel that a long period of time spent in a small metal tube is the best time to express your hatred for any normal sized human??!

Ah well–I’m use to this kind of abuse…at least they had good in-flight entertainment going on……..

Well, I ended up watching Anvil over and over 10 times…..Who’s heard of this movie? hmmm? Childhood friends continue playing long after any demand exists, and they ride their sad legacy into the dust….sound familiar kids?!?!?!

The story of a band that doesn't know when to hang it up....can you belive these clowns???!
The story of a band that doesn't know when to hang it up....can you belive these clowns???!

The Channel 3 Movie Coming to a Theatre Next Summer!

News Item: Hollywood Reporter, July 8, 2009- HOLLYWOOD:DreamWorks is in negotiations to acquire movie rights to the View Master toy from Mattel (which owns Fisher-Price) and has asked Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci to do some “Transformers”-style magic on it.

These things suck!  Ever try to watch porn on one?
These things suck! Ever try to watch porn on one?

Wot say? A movie based on a toy? Pffft- we were way ahead of Hollywood when Kimm and I took our considerable advance monies from Posh Boy and bought the movie rights to Klik Klaks: The New World Order!

Gaaaa!  My fucking eye!!!!
Gaaaa! My fucking eye!!!!

Gee, is Hollywood running out of original ideas? Ya think?

Well, it was bound to happen. After the recent Germs bio pic

One of these people is an actor, acting quite drunk.  The rest? real drunks!!
One of these people is an actor, acting quite drunk. The rest? Real drunks!!

and the worldwide success of your old pals in One More for all My True Friends, a major motion picture studio has come calling for the film rights to our amazing story. Hardly a surprise, considering the valuable audience profile of CH3…let’s take a look, shall we?

graph
Much like the Dogtown story received its dramatic account well after the documentary, the idea is to tell the CH3 story in full cinescope, with major hollywood stars in the roles of the CH3 crew.

Of course, the major hurdle proved to be casting this epic. I mean, how ya gonna find 4 mainstream actors that can convincingly portray your heroes on the silver screen?!

CH3promo

The actor portraying Alf had to have the winning combination of street smarts and sensitivity…..

Alfie hangin in the alley as usual...
Alfie hangin in the alley as usual...

First calls went out to Vin Diesel :

Did ya get my twitter, bitch?!
Did ya get my twitter, bitch?!

and funnyman Dave Atell….

Personally I don;t see the resemblance....
Personally I don;t see the resemblance....

These choices seemed viable, but Alfredo nixed them as not reflecting his own proud Latino Heritage. We’re pretty happy with his final choice:
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I'm going to talk like a cholo now...prepare to shit yourself!
I'm going to talk like a cholo now...prepare to shit yourself!

Oh, we know what you’re thinking for the role of Anthony…

Body of Christ.......
Body of Christ.......

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Easy, right? Let’s put in the calls to Keanu or Depp…..
Well, they're alright...I guess.....
Well, they're alright...I guess.....

Well sir, Ant had final approval and he said fuck those pretty boys! The negotiations and proposals went on for weeks…..
Ant saw himself portrayed by someone like Tough guy Danny Trejo:

Who's got my fuckin bass?  Huh?!
Who's got my fuckin bass? Huh?!

While the rest of us thought charcater actor Luis Guzman might capture his free spirit……..!

It's the twinkle in the eyes....that's what makes the character!!
It's the twinkle in the eyes....that's what makes the character!!

Surprisingly, Ovitz put in a personal call from CAA, seems like one of his A listers wanted a crack at the role of the boyish bass player. Although skeptical, we agreed to let this Hollywood vet read for the part and he knocked it out of the park! We couldn’t be more pleased with the man set to portray Anthony Thompson next year!
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Give it a chance, people...ok, now you can see it, am I right?!
Give it a chance, people...ok, now you can see it, am I right?!

Next up: The casting call that put Hollywood on Red Alert! Yes, the lead actors that would portray Mike and Kimm in the movie. These roles would have to be considered among the classic Male duos of all time…..

Ralph and Norton?  Fred and Barney?  Fuck it, I give up!!!
Ralph and Norton? Fred and Barney? Fuck it, I give up!!!

And don’t give me that Clooney/Pitt nonsense! Those closeted fairies wouldn’t be able to last ten minutes in the real world of hardcore punk!

But who then would deliver the magical chemistry that saw childhood friends Magrann and Gardener become the worldwide sensations you know them as today?

dumb_dumber6
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We went through the obvious hollywood duos to no avail:

Too fat....
Too fat....
Too gay....
Too gay....
Too Dead....
Too Dead....
Hmmm..ya know what?  We're gettin warmer..!
Hmmm..ya know what? We're gettin warmer..!
What the...? Alright, now you people are just getting silly!
What the...? Alright, now you people are just getting silly!

The star search continues as millions of dollars are wasted on the halted production! Please send your own ideas to:
castingcall@channel3themovie.com

Are you ready for the Summer?

Hmmm, what’s in the ol CH3 inbox this morning? Spam, spam, email for viagra, email for extenz, email for online Xanax…goddamn, do these people know us or what?

Hey, what’s this? Alfredo has finally finished up the Summer Tour poster eh?

Alf's latest poster.  The North Koreans have offered him a handsome wage to work on their campaigns!
Alf's latest poster. The North Koreans have offered him a handsome wage to work on their campaigns!

Sweet Jesus! Did we really sign off on this many dates for the Summer? Goddamn, it’s time to get in shape for that madness! In the old days it was so easy, getting ready for a tour. All you had to do was get the guitars out of hock, break up with the girlfriends and cut off whatever warts that were getting a little too obvious…….

But with *ahem* advanced experience, we’ve found we need a bit of more preparation than before……

..now if they only made this for nose and ear hairs....
..now if they only made this for nose and ear hairs....

Oh, don’t act so shocked! Did you really think we maintain this sleek image through God’s gift alone?! It’s no wonder the CH3 hairstyle has been compared favorably with the rich pelt of the arctic seal….

Is that the singer or the bass player, Debbie?  Whatever, I'm going for it!
Hey Debbie, is that the singer or the bass player? Whatever, I'm going for it!

And we obviously have to get the ol’ wind back, and if you’re like us, that means hours of riding bikes in the riverbed while singing Prince songs as loud as possible…

International Lover..gaaa!  This fuckin Ipod's gonna kill me!
International Lover..gaaa! This fuckin Ipod's gonna kill me!

And nutriton, you can’t forget that! I mean, you can’t expect people to pay good money to watch a bunch of fat old fuckers laying about the stage, can ya?

Oh my...is that them Jonas Brothers I've been hearing so much about?!
Oh my...is that them Jonas Brothers I've been hearing so much about?!

Plenty of sleep, hydration, and a strict diet– that’s the key to a successful tour, eh?

Green apple, green tea, 6 raw almonds....I'm feeling naughty, so make that 7 almonds!
Green apple, green tea, 6 raw almonds....I'm feeling naughty, so make that 7 almonds!

Heh…yeah, right.

Listen, we’ve tried all of this clean living nonsense, and that shit’s not gonna help you out on the road. Here’s what ya gotta do:

Set the alarm for 3am, then get up and take 2 Tylenol PMs with several shots of Jager. Trust me on this, it’s the only way to get your inner body clock on track. Don’t go back to bed though, oh no….find yourself the most uncomfortable place possible and let the medicine do it’s magic!

Mmmm....sleeping like a baby.  Drooling and shit his pants... *rimshot* Hey0!!
Mmmm....sleeping like a baby. Drooling and shit his pants... *rimshot* Hey0!!

Now you wake up at 1pm, feeling disoriented, hungover and parched. Perfect! This simulates the day-after the show perfectly. Now I’d suggest sitting in a large cardboard box with a bag of Beef Jerky and a liter of Mountain Dew for 7 hours. This is roughly comparable to your van ride between Baltimore and Boston on the New Jersey Turnpike….

Hey!  How come Anthony always gets to stretch out on the back bench?!
Hey! How come Anthony always gets to stretch out on the back bench?!

Now what you want to do is go down to the shopping mall and ask strangers if they know where the promoter is. Of course, they will have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, and will either ignore you or try to push you into the planter. This is identical to the treatment you will be receving after you arrive at the club and have to wait in the parking lot for two hours before someone shows up with the drink tickets. In the meantime, disconnect your refrigerator and push it up and down your driveway a few times to get in shape for the load in……see if you can get someone to stand directly in your way and tell you how much your new music sucks if you really want to get the full effect!

Oh Ho!  I laugh at your feeble attempts to mature musically in the late 80's....your autograph please.
Oh Ho! I laugh at your feeble attempts to mature musically in the late 80's....your autograph please.

It goes unsaid that you’ve been drinking beer all day, of course! So let’s say it’s around midnight now and you are feeling weak, drunk, dehydrated, and you’ve been shitting a constant stream of orange liquid….it must be showtime!

Now go for an hour long jog while trying to remember the words to songs you wrote 26 years ago. When you do forget the lyrics, throw a beer bottle in the air and try to dodge it….extra points of you can get your neighbors to yell out requests for Shattered Faith and Agent Orange songs while you run past!

Play Bloodstains goddamnit!!!
Play Bloodstains goddamnit!!!

Now you’re sweaty, exhausted and ready for bed…..but you know damn well that’s not gonna happen! Find a bar that still allows smoking, and see if you can find a couple drunken Germans to talk directly into your ear canal until closing time. You can’t undertand them, but you must stand there and nod politely as they get more drunk and agitated…..eventually, one of them will yell something about George W. and take a swing at you.

Scheisser!
Scheisser!

3 a.m. means it’s time for the one real meal of the day……

Just a snack, really.....
Just a snack, really.....

Congratulations! Day one of the tour is complete!

Repeat this routine for two weeks and you’ll be ready for all that this wonderful world has to offer!!!

Friday Foto Roundup

Well, looks like another slow news day, nothing much happening eh? *cough* child molester overdoses on demerol *cough* so let’s pull out that lazy ol feature, the Friday Foto Roundup!

Here at the CH3 FFR, we’ve received several pix from our recent Disney HOB gig in Anaheim.

Here we have our usual merch crew, gettin the much needed CH3 product into the right hands:

News item:  popular music group CH3 found in violation of several child labor laws.  Investigation pending.
News item: popular music group CH3 found in violation of several child labor laws. Investigation pending.

We quickly switched to our relief crew. Sales plummeted.

Oh sweet Jesus....no wonder the kids were all scared away!
Oh sweet Jesus....no wonder the kids were all scared away!

So our ol pal Mike E sent along this pic of the pit. Looks like a normal night of violence and fun, yes? But note the odd light image floating above the crowd….

The sounds, the energy...the smell.  Ya had to be there....
The sounds, the energy...the smell. Ya had to be there....

Interesting eh? Utilizing advanced technology at the CH3 crime lab, we were able to isolate the spectral energy caught in the photo:

These guys would have better luck with the mojados at Home Depot!
These guys would have better luck with the mojados at Home Depot!

Alright, we’ll post the inevitable pic of your so called King of Pop. Hey, if this is what you kids classify as rock royalty nowdays have at it!

Gaaaa!
Gaaaa!

Larry Walters

So who’s seen this movie, this Up? hmm?

The simple story of an old man, a young boy, latex balloons and a length of garden hose.  Insert pedophile joke here:
The simple story of an old man, a young boy, latex balloons and a length of garden hose. Insert pedophile joke here:

What is it about unpowered flight that fascinates us? Is it the silent journey into the heavens, guided only by the gentle breath of God?

Nah. Merely the primal fascination of man seeing what he cannot do, but very much wants to. Ever see how the orangutans at the San Diego Zoo all start masturbating frenetically whenever a butterfly floats by?

You think floating under a balloon is a legitimate form of transportation?
Really?

Then why is it every billionaire who attempts a balloon journey, with every technology at his fingertips, ends up hanging off an electrical transfomer 10 miles from the launch pad?! Listen, I’d love to walk to Hawaii some time, that sounds like a real hoot.
Shall I see if Richard Branson wants to come along? Alert the Press?

Smashing good fun!  Have them inflate the backup zeppelin, Smithers!
Smashing good fun! Have them inflate the backup zeppelin, Smithers!

But maybe you’ve heard of a man named Larry Walters, somewhat of a personal hero around here at the CH3 base camp.
Larry was a truckdriver who took flight on July 2, 1982 in a homemade aircraft. Dubbed Inspiration I, the “flying machine” consisted of an ordinary patio chair with 45 helium-filled weather balloons attached to it. Walters rose to an altitude of 16,000 feet (4,900 m) and floated from his point of origin in San Pedro, California into controlled airspace near Long Beach Airport.

And this is long before the meth epidemic....why can't you goddamn kids think up something like this?!
And this is long before the meth epidemic....why can't you goddamn kids think up something like this?!

That’s right–you’ve heard of him now, right? The lawnchair guy!
Larry took his little flight and that was about it. But his trip captured the dreams of millions and actually inspired a few imitators. Notably, Brazillian Priest Adelir Antonio de Carli who disappeared while re-creating the legendary flight of Larry Walters. Fater de Carli was well prepared and had flotation, GPS and parachute. Body parts found offshore July 4 2008.

Hey!  I can see my house from up here....no wait--that's my painful demise I'm seeing.   The Spanish tiles confused me....
Hey! I can see my house from up here....no wait--that's my painful demise I'm seeing. The Spanish tiles confused me....

These jokers totally missed the point of Larry’s little jaunt. It had nothing to do with daring or the insatiable hunger for adventure. This was a stunt born of boredom, and I’d bet my goddamn last dollar a little alcohol was involved…..

Yeh right---you're telling me none of them jugs had any booze in em?
Yeh right---you're telling me none of them jugs had any booze in em?

But here’s the real reason Larry Walters is a true American hero: After violating federal airspace, causing an electrical blackout on landing, and being immediately arrested by the Long Beach Police, a reporter asked him the reason for the flight. “Because a man can’t just sit around,” was his reply.

Wha? Because a man can’t just sit around?! Goddamn right brother! That’s gonna be my new motto too! Next time the cops roll around at 3am and ask me why the hell I’m taking a dump on the front steps of the high school, well, ya know what I’m gonna tell ’em!

A man can’t just sit around–duh!

He committed suicide at the age of 44 by shooting himself in the heart in Angeles National Forest in 1993

Larry Walters by CH3
Larry Walters was a man who saw his dream take flight
Have you never been afraid yet told you had to fight?
We all keep dangerous thoughts contained like gasoline
Larry took his bottle of hopes and opened it with his teeth

Take me with you when you fly away from here
Show me the truths that lie just beyond my fears

Larry Walters, how does it feel
When your fantasy becomes real
Larry Walters, is my earth still round?
Larry Walters, don’t you ever come down

I used to sit up on the roof though terrified of heights
I grew to love my neighbor’s dog who growled all through my nights
If only I could fly away and finally touch the truth
I’d shiver in the stratosphere, I’d let go my balloons

I’ve seen your light but I can’t break free of this 9 to 5
Hold the time, it’s terra firma nine to life

Greatness through Stupidity.  We can all learn and live by this, children!

Don’t be Twatty!

So our man Alf sends a frenzied email, seems he’s intoTweeting now! Says it’s the greatest thing ever, especially for a musician.

Oh Alfie! Say it ain’t so! I know you’re a drummer and all, but don’t you know that meth shit will kill you? Sure, I know it’s fun to take apart VCRs, we all do that…but don’t you remember how the last CH3 drummer ended up?

Ain't much to look at, but this kid could play the shit out of Wetspots!
Ain't much to look at, but this kid could play the shit out of Wetspots!

Heh. No, you silly fuckin rabbit says Alfredo–not Tweaking,Tweeting–as in Twitter, ya dig?

How’s that? Come again? Twitter? What means this? Explain yerself!

Twitter –have you heard of it? Oh, I guess all the kids are all over this stuff. So kill us, we’re a little behind the times over here at the CH3 headquarters.

No sir, Misters MAgrann and GArdener haven't returned from lunch yet.  Would you like to talk to the bass player?  Hello?  Hello?
No sir, Misters Magrann and Gardener haven't returned from lunch yet. Would you like to talk to a bass player or drummer? Hello? Hello?

Hell, we were still making flyers at kinko’s up until last February, but my nephew set us up with a myspace page. He’s got some secret deal going on I guess, so it only costs us 105 bucks a month….seems to be workin pretty good!

OK, let me get this straight..we’re supposed to hover over our cell phones to see what Oprah or Shaq are doing every goddamn fifteen minutes? Listen, I don’t really care what Shaq had for breakfast or what he thinks of Dwight Howard these days. Now, if he would report on the approximate girth and weight of the dump he took this morning, now that would hold my interest….

Do the math, people!  Look at the size of his feet!
Do the math, people! Look at the size of his feet!

Assuming we don’t need to find out where to wait in line for Kimchi tacos, just what purpose does this newfangled thang have, hmm? It seems to me we really don’t need to hear what celebrities are doing, we get enough of that anyway. And normal people? Bleh. Yeh, I know you’re standing in line at goddamn Target, sister…that’s me right behind you, holding the 40 pound sack of Nutro Senior Dog Formula while you’re tapping away on your Blackberry!

If you’d really want compelling updates, why not just give Twitter accounts to Crackwhores? Then you’d be getting some good reading….

I’ll be on Beach and Katella after 10 by the green dumpster. The sore is closed now too.

Or:

Precious think she the best out here. Wash yo ass skank!

Sure baby....Lemmee  tweet Marcus and see what the half and half is goin' for tonite...
Sure baby....Lemmee just tweet Marcus and see what the half and half is goin' for tonite...

But we gotta roll with these changes, especially with a whole Summer’s worth of roadwork comin up. Hell it might be fun, tap out a few notes while we’re nursing Budvars on the Vlatava river. Maybe a running commentary, a little travelogue in small chapters….I know 140 words will be a tough limit, but I like a challenge. We’ll just have to switch from Fitzgerald mode into Hemingway esque, is that it?

Dear, Dear Twitter Followers:  Where do I  begin?  Last night's show was...hmm, how shall I put this?  I suppose the word I'm looking for i
Dear, Dear Twitter Followers: Where do I begin? Last night's show was...hmm, how shall I put this? I suppose the word I'm looking for i

What the fuck? One Hundred and Forty Characters?!! Oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me.

Follow your ol pals around @CH_3

Catalina: Punk Rock Island

And just why is Catalina known as Punk Rock Island??? Well, I suppose it’s mainly because this is supposed to be a mean ol punk rock blog and yet I don’t have anything very punk to write about. Let’s face it, the gigs have been scarce lately, so we have to reach a little here for the Punk content that keeps us in the thousands of hits per hour in the PR community. Perhaps you recall our recent post on Picorino Romano: The Punkest of all Cheeses!

This guy used to hang out at The Masque, you fuckin Poseurs!
This guy used to hang out at The Masque, you fuckin Poseurs!

See what I mean? This is the internet, people, and from now on whenever some poor fool Googles punkest cheese, well, you know where the dollars are gonna flow!!

Perhaps you’ve never been to that little burg we call Avalon, just a scant 29 miles offshore. Let us take you there now, and give you a few handy tips on transportation, lodging and eating establishments.

Dawn broke clear and calm as we loaded the venerable California Sun with provisions…..

Hey, Ho....who's got money for gas, goddamnit?!
Hey, Ho....who's got money for gas, goddamnit?!

The slow float out of the harbor was smooth and quiet. Yes…..maybe too quiet, hmmm? Little did we know the raging winds that were whipping up the channel as we cracked the first beer of the day.

9am on the water equals 5pm on land--gimmee a beer!
9am on the water equals 5pm on land--gimmee a beer!

Soon enough we were in the thick of things, blue water washing over the bow. It was like The Perfect Storm out there, except without the facial hair and bad New England accents. We actually spilled half of the hummus dip on deck, that’s just how bad it got….

Oh come on!  I just got Pinot Noir all over my No Values T shirt!
Oh come on! I just got Pinot Noir all over my No Values T shirt!

Luckliy, the Cali Sun stayed true and strong, and we were soon moored safely in Avalon Harbor.moored

Now you’re there on the island, safe and dry. Let the following photos take you there, as we explore the many activities and fascinating sights Catalina has to offer–Enjoy!

The warm inviting sand of Avalon Beach....
The warm inviting sand of Avalon Beach....

The beautifully groomed fairways at the Avalon Country Club are sure to bring out your best game!
The beautifully groomed fairways at the Avalon Country Club are sure to bring out your best game!

What a great way to catch up with old friends!
What a great way to catch up with old friends!

Why not join us on the Island for some good wholesome fun?
Why not join us on the Island for some good wholesome fun?

The preceeding has been a paid advertisement from the Avalon Tourist Board/Chamber of Commerce. http://www.gocatalina.com

To Whom It May Concern…..

We titled the new release To whom it may concern like we’re sending out a demo tape. Heh. Get it? To whom it may concern…..you know, like a letter!! We’re fucking clever that way, over here at the ol CH3 writer’s room.

Hmmmm...can we work vitamin and hormone into the title somehow?
Hmmmm...can we work vitamin and hormone into the title somehow?

This record, to be released next month by TKO Records contains the the demo versions of all the hits! Put this baby on the turntable and sit back. Imagine you are along for the ride on that fateful March afternoon, as Robbie Fields slipped the cassette into the tape player and history as we know it was altered forever.

Yeah, I know you’ve seen the cover already, but have a look at it again in ………3D!!

Send $15.35 US Dollars to PO Box 169, Hemet CA for 3D glasses
(Send $15.35 US Dollars to PO Box 169, Hemet CA for 3D glasses)

The Liners:
These tracks represent our very first attempts at songwriting, and our first visits to an actual recording studio, somewhere around 1980. They were recently rescued from their fragile cassette tape existence by the good folks at Laundry Room Recording Studios, and at first listen we were shocked, touched, and maybe a little embarrassed at the youthful enthusiasm and rawness we heard. It’s quite something to confront the unspoiled vision that you had so many years ago— perhaps like finding your adolescent diary thought long lost. And so there you sit, crouched in the stuffy attic, an aching 45 year old man flipping through the hopes and worries of your own youth.
This stuff?  Oh, it's what we used to make records on before you kids sucked the life out of everything!!
This stuff? Oh, it's what we used to make records on before you kids sucked the life out of everything!!

CH3 pretty much started out as a cover band, with barely enough skill to wing a set of Clash and Ramones songs to get us through a Cerritos backyard party on a warm June night. The backbone of those classic songs naturally infused the DNA of any songs that we would attempt to write on our own. I’d like to think that we wouldn’t embarrass our early heroes, though I don’t suppose they would recognize their influence after the wily notes funneled through our beer soaked minds. As you can see from the track listing, a lot of these early songs ended up on the 80’s Posh Boy releases. A few of the tracks were never pressed into action, with apparent good reason.
You didn't think we weren't gonna use this shot somewhere, did you?  Imagine these mugs on 12 inches of hot vinyl!
You didn't think we weren't gonna use this shot somewhere, did you? Imagine these mugs on 12 inches of hot vinyl!

At the beginning, just the thought of playing music in front of our friends was breathtaking– never mind the idea of ever writing our own songs and seeing them recorded. Back before the digital revolution, recording was a mysterious process, full of appointments and reels of actual tape, a lot of adjusting of microphones and ordering takeout food. The recording studio seemed a hallowed and mysterious place, and the thought of getting your absolute best take on that magical spinning tape brought both a heightened energy and a terrifying anxiety. And then to sit there in the control room and hear what came out of those exotic playback speakers! It was as if to witness the thing that you created in your bedroom, alone on a lonely and dark November night, suddenly given a little spank on the ass to draw in that first breath.

These tracks reek of that garage on Cortner Avenue. We’re honored to share these family snapshots with you now, and hope you will take them in the spirit offered!

Wait'll you see these happy faces spinning around at 33rpm!
Wait'll you see these happy faces spinning around at 33rpm!

You know that one Uncle who always gets a little too drunk and a little too loud at family gatherings? The one who always seems to corner you at the end of the night and tells you how much fun it was and how much better he looked in 1981? Yeah, that’s it…that’s what you have in your hands right now—Cheers-M

The Klownhouse Fest, Kiel

We didn’t have to think twice when we got the invite to play something called a Klownhouse Fest! How can you go wrong? Klowns! A House—a fest. Come on now!

Unfortunately, Anthony assured us Kiel was in Northern California, just between Stockton and Sacramento. Seems his cousin lives there….

Uh, no. Turns out it’s in goddamn Germany!

That's Klown with a K, bitches!
That's Klown with a K, bitches!

Heh. Ah well– we’ve been meaning to get back over the pond. Our last trip over in 2007 was a quick jaunt through the UK and the Rebellion Festival in Amsterdam. Besides, Alfie has some unfinished business with some Jamaican businessmen who work out of Hengrove Park in Bristol.

Under hypnosis, Alf was able to remember certain details of the traumatic night...
Under hypnosis, Alf was able to remember certain details of the traumatic night...

We were pleasantly surprised to find a few old pals had signed up for the Kfest as well. Jay Lansford has a new lineup of the Simpletones, this time around with a girl singer, of all things!
She's prettier than Snickers, but can she fart on command?
She's prettier than Snickers, but can she fart on command?

Pretty smart move when ya think about it, as it’s kinda hard to have 45 year old man jump around on stage and sound like a sixteen year old. Believe me. I’ve tried.

Also on the bill is GG Elvis, as if we haven’t seen enough of Eric’s ass…

For the love of God, man--keep the clothes on this time!
For the love of God, man--keep the clothes on this time!

And also, the fierce SNFU! Back in the olden days we would pass though Calgary or Edmonton, or one of those other goddamn Canadian outposts, and run into Mr. Chi Pig and his band. One day, he accompanied us to the local laundramat and showed us how to use the funny colored Candian money, and then took us to a liquor store where we could stock up on Wrestling magazines.

Gaaa! Where's Seargeant Slaughter when ya need him?!
Gaaa! Where's Seargeant Slaughter when ya need him?!

Mr. Chi Pig is lookin wild these days, Kinda like a cross between David Carradine in his acid days and Charles Manson–and we dig that!
Snatch the pebble from my hand, punker!
Snatch the pebble from my hand, punker!

Some dates for the CH3 European Tour 2009, more TBA:
July 29 Düsseldorf,Zakk+SNFU,Adolescents,Dickies,DOA
July 30 Hamburg,Hafenklang
July 31 Riesa (near by Leipzig) U-Punkt
Aug 1 Kiel, Klownhouse Fest – Pumpe
Aug 3 Berlin, Wild At Heart
Aug 4 CZ-Prague,007
Aug 5 A-Vienna, Chelsea
Aug 8 UK-Blackpool, Rebellion Festival

Our Last Gig: Spike’s in Rosemead

We’ve been getting a lot of complaints at the
CH3 Home Office
regarding the lack of any real punk rock content on these pages. So in an effort to bring you good people up to date, we’ve started a new feature, Our Last Gig! In this column we’ll review our latest show, the venue, opening acts and friends in the audience. Sounds good, huh? Let’s get started:

Ah, Rosemead. It’s been called the hidden jewel of San Gabriel Valley, but we don’t want to let the secret out! After a lengthy layoff from the stage, we decided what better place to get back up there and bust Alf’s balls than this lil gig…..

This color combination has been know to cause epileptic fits in Cambodian children...
This color combination has been know to cause epileptic fits in Cambodian children...

You know us, though, and any trip out to SGV has us looking for a bowl of noodles– and I don’t mean Udon, brother! Yeah, that’s it, it’s Pho the fellas had on their mind as they made the wordless trek up the 605.

Can you spot how many animals gave their precious lives for this bowl?
Can you spot how many animals gave their precious lives for this bowl?

Pho. It’s more than a dish, it is a state of mind that brings all the senses into play. The poetic beauty of the Vietnamese language, the exotic flavorings of the broth. The slight hint of urine that perfumes the ghostly puffs of steam that rise to your grateful face!!

Well, we simply sat back and let our trusty handler Paul Lucas do his thing. Being a citizen of Little Saigon, he knows his way around a plate of Cha Gio, let me tell you! Behind the wheel, Paul set his radar for Viet cuisine and off we flew.

Level headed Paul Lucas.  He looks 10 years younger on Facebook.
Level headed Paul Lucas. He looks 10 years younger on Facebook.

Eventually we settled on My Dung restaurant, nestled right in the middle of Garvey Avenue. The following photo comes from the 11 o’clock news, not 36 hours after we left this fine establishment– Seems a little armed confrontation left 2 dead within these walls. Heh. Well, you don’t get the authentic Vietnamese experience without a bit of the ol “Di Di Mau!”, eh?

My Dung restaurant.   Nah, too easy....
My Dung restaurant. Nah, too easy....

The Pho dishes, though generously portioned, lacked a certain depth to the broth. Kimm believes that comes from the failure to roast the bones before making a stock, but that’s Kimm for you!

Dinner was going fine until the waiter brought Mr. Paul his Iced Tea with a slice of lemon—-not a wedge! The audacity!

Who the fuck is responsible for this outrage?!
Who the fuck is responsible for this outrage?!

Oh, Paulie, the trouble you’ve seen! On his many travels through the twisted nights of CH3, Paul has seen many things. Sights that would have a lesser man muttering to himself and staring at the lamp, clicking it on, off….on, off.

Here is a man that has taken his share of abuse and good cheer, and his forthright shell has never shown a crack.

Oh, unless you count the little incident at JFK after the boys spent the day with D.I. Casey at McSorley’s on the Lower East Side.

Uh, do you mind, Casey? We're still in the middle of our goddamnned set!

We had to miss 2 flights as we waited for Anthony to sober up between shots at Manitoba’s! Paulie was then subjected to a high speed gypsy cab ride to the airport where Salvadoran porn played non-stop on the overhead DVD player.

Get in, rápidamente!!  She's about to squirt!
Get in, rápidamente!! She's about to squirt!

A guitar was left behind at CBGB’s, a cigarette was lit in the security line. The authorities have been called.

It would make any man crack.

Sir?  Can you step out of line and speak to those kind gentlemen with the uniforms?
Sir? Can you step out of line and speak to those kind gentlemen with the uniforms?

That day at the airport, the sun slowly set over our shoulders, reminding us that we were still still! on the East coast. That warm sun was presently sinking into the familiar Pacific waters without our audience. I heard Paul’s voice crack as he pleaded with the ticket lady for the next flight- any flight– to escape these mad men. As we leaned against the Jet Blue ticket counter, so far from home, I caught one of the twinkling teardrops that cascaded off his face and touched it to my lips. The taste? Bitter defeat.

Stay tuned for the next gig report from your ol pals here at CH3!